The entire contents of Noah's Ark is coming for me in my sleep.

Meet the tiger that will haunt my dreams.

So, this weekend I saw Life of Pi. What I loved most is that, in one fell swoop, I completed eight Oscar categories. Eight! That brings my tally to 9 down, 15 to go. And if this week goes according to plan, I'll complete another seven categories.

What I did not love: most of the other stuff about this movie. Okay, here's the deal, it was beautifully shot, well-acted and directed, and visually stunning.

Okay, fine, this was very cool. I'll give you that.

Most people would really love this movie. But I am not most people. If you know me at all, you probably know how I feel about animals. I heartily dislike them. I don't wish them harm, but I also don't wish them anywhere in my vicinity. I'd rather spend a day at the dentist than a day at the zoo.

And this movie is ALL animals. The tiger (haaaate), the baboon, the zebra, the hyena, tons of hideous fish of every sort, whales, sharks, and dolphins, and let's not forget the meerkats. It was heinous. Everywhere you looked more and more animals were popping up, and popping out in my face since it was in 3-D (oh, how I hate 3-D). It was like watching a Hannibal Lecter movie. I was in a constant state of horror and disgust. If only Melis had been sitting next to me laughing at my terror, it would have been the full Silence of the Lambs experience.

Liz and Kris, you guys would probably love this. It was not for me. But hey, eight whole categories--that's not bad at all.

The Tree of Boredom and Despair

Oscar readiness continues. I just put myself through watching The Tree of Life. I loathe Terence Malick’s work. He’s put me through a lot and now the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has allowed him to put me through even more.

This film is largely about a man’s reminiscences of his childhood and the different pulls his mother and father had on him. It could have been a compelling story, but instead of actually telling the story, Malick just shows us 2 hours and 20 minutes of disjointed scenes, each lasting a few seconds. I felt like I was watching somebody’s old family movies. Have you ever watched a stranger’s family movies for 2 hours and 20 minutes? No. Of course not. Because you’d have gotten up and left.

It was a classic Terence Malick film: visually stunning, but packed with heavy-handed symbolism (which I assume Malick thinks is deep), and also butt-numbingly dull. I constantly checked the timer on the DVD player, willing it to count down faster.

I like to call this movie “The Emperor’s New Clothes” as I think that story accurately describes the reason why The Tree of Life was nominated for Best Picture. Terence Malick has this aura of genius around him, presumably because he makes films sparingly and lives as privately as JD Salinger. I think people are afraid they’ll look silly if they say they think Malick is a hack, so instead they panic and nominate him for awards. 

For my part, the credits are rolling and I feel like I’ve just been released from being kidnapped.

In Newark, no one can hear you whine.

So, I'm currently slogging my way through The Sopranos. And yes, "slogging" is the appropriate verb here. I'm watching it because it's consistently on the critics' lists of groundbreaking, brilliant television. It is interesting, but I have one major problem: there's not one single character I can bear. Not one. In fact, I loathe them all. The ruthless main character, his harpy wife, his horrible children, his awful uncle with the Coke bottle glasses, his eeeeevil mother, and his army of goons--each one more murderous and psychotic than the last. I survey them much like the Bingley sisters looking upon the Meryton assembly (if the Bingley sister had been totally correct and not shrewish witches.)

Not helping matters is the nasal Jersey accent everyone is sporting. That's not cool. That's not enjoyable to ear.

And the problem is not just that they're awful people. Believe me, I know from liking awful people on TV. The list of horrendous characters I've liked would appall you. Shane Vendrell, Al Swearengen, I even like the entire cast of It's Always Sunny! Well, except for Dennis. Obviously.

And these people are not even Sicilian! They're from Campania. I know. That shouldn't make me look down on them, but it totally does.

I may have just talked myself out of watching this show.

Hateful, awful people, led by their king.

So, I'm watching Gigi...

...which I DVR'ed off of TCM, and it's creeping me out. Has anyone else ever seen this movie? This is one creepy-butt movie. You know, like in the same way that The Major and the Minor is totally creepy and could never be made today? Yeah, like that.

Oh, and that flipping "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" song isn't making anything any better.

Thanks, Turner Classic Movies.

Is this making anyone else uncomfortable?