Eyes peeled, ladies!

So, after the Strayers’ Labor Day picnic, five of us headed out for a round of The Wal-Mart Game. If you forgot, the rules are simple. Each team chooses ten objects, we switch carts, teams must return the objects to their rightful places, and then return to the finish line, in this case the display of corn on the cob near the produce section.

Team Zack/Kris upon our arrival. Note the time on
the screen behind them. Yeah, we're hardcore.

Team Liz/Lex/Ali, ready to go.

Things started out rough for Liz, Lex, and me. We found one item fairly quickly and then settled in for a long drought. We had seven or eight items left when we saw Kris and Zack and, to our horror, noticed they were down to one. They had even ditched their cart! Oh, the hubris! It looked as though a humiliating defeat, the likes of Napoleon in Russia, was in store for us. At that point our goal was just to get down to two or three items before Kris and Zack declared victory, so that we could at least hold our heads up on the ride home.

Some of the items that drove us mad: Cupcake jewelry (Yes, you read that correctly. As in jewelry to adorn cupcakes, not people jewelry that happened to be shaped like cupcakes.), a hose coupler that was NOT labeled as a hose coupler (or as anything else for that matter), and a bottle of mineral oil meant for the care of bamboo objects.

We were all over that store, to no avail. Once we found the pencil case in the cereal aisle (nice logic, Wal-Mart), we returned once again to the clearance aisles with their messy shelves and acrylic bins. Alexa growled, “Eyes peeled, ladies!” like a drill sergeant. It was past 2:00 AM and I was so over this game at that point that I began to tear the aisle apart like Marilyn Monroe looking for a Valium. I was certain Kristen had chosen something from one of the bins and then buried its twin, so I began to shake them like a British nanny. It must've been impressive because for a moment Liz and Lex just stood and stared at me and then Alexa took out her phone and began to film me. It was fate, for when Alexa turned off her camera, she looked up and saw the cupcake jewelry hanging right behind her.

And then we were on a roll. The hose coupler! The flag pole bracket! The Cinderella Lipsmacker duo with bonus keychain holder! When we finally found our final item, the bamboo oil, Alexa dropped to her knees on the floor of Wal-Mart and threw her arms in the air in victory. 

Then we hightailed it to the corn.

Victory!

Team Winner!

In the end Kris and Zack were undone by that one final item, a Batman keychain/pencil sharpener. Bruce Wayne can always be relied upon. It was the first item we picked up. Liz grabbed it off the shelf and said, “How about this? You probably wouldn’t look for a keychain in the jewelry section.”

Well played, Mrs. B. Well played.

Felled by the Dark Knight. Or at least his keychain.

A Tale of Two Wal-Mart Games

Game 1: Attention: Unintentional cheating in aisle 7

So July vacation = Wal-Mart game grudge match.

I had been bragging about being the only undefeated cousin, so people were out to get me. I’m not going to name any names (Liz) but there was a target on my back. Since we had nine people, we split into three teams, after an obligatory Sheetz run for mac n' cheese and the like. We had three newbies, and their names all began with M.

Team 1: Ali, Alexa, and Megan
Team 2: Zack, Jackie, and Maggie
Team 3: Liz, Kris, and Melis

First, let me say that Megan has spent a lot of time in the Wal-Mart, because she knew stuff like the child's decorative frame kit goes in Hardware. Also, kudos to Team 3 on choosing the menorah candles. That gave us some trouble until I reasoned that since the virgin Mary candles are in the Hispanic food section, we needed to look for a Jewish food section. Did you know the J-town Wal-Mart has a Jewish food section? Neither did I. But when we spotted the gifelte fish and matzo, Alexa started doing high kicks of joy.

The real kicker was a Hannah Montana pedicure kit. What made it so maddening was that there are displays of Hannah Montana merch ALL OVER that store. Miley Cyrus is truly taking over Wal-Mart, which is step 1 in taking over the world. We finally found it by the purses. The purses! Explain to me the logic!

We made it back to the melons and were elated to call the other teams in, but we weren't sure if we had won yet. Because there were three teams, we had devised a point system in which you got two points for every item put back and one point for every item left in the cart of the team who got our stuff. When we tallied it up, we were tied with Team 2. But then the real craziness began.

Team 2 held aloft their one remaining item, a blue travel cup, and demanded to know from whence it had come. When we told them Automotive, they said they had been there and seen similar blue cups, but not an exact match. We began to wonder if we had unintentionally cheated but then Team 3 stepped forward and produced a bike rack, claiming that they had found many similar boxes containing tire racks, but no bike racks.

We headed, en masse, to Automotive and Lawn and Garden and discovered that Teams 1 and 2 had accidentally chosen items of evil and cheatiness, causing Teams 2 and 3 to go on the proverbial wild goose chase. Since it was impossible to decide how much time had been wasted on the items of evil and cheatiness, the game was declared a draw.

Zack thought his team should have won because there were still four items left in the cart he had given to Team 3, but Team 3 had wasted at least 30 minutes looking for the bike rack that wasn't there. If you ask me, I think if anyone should get the W, it's Team 3 since they're the only ones who didn't cheat. But to end with four items in your cart, frustration over the bike rack, and no final rush to the melons, is a sucky way to "win."

Overall it was a weird game and our newbies didn't really get a good idea of the awesomeness of the Wal-Mart game. Next time, Gadget. Next time.

And then, full disclosure, I stayed 'til 4AM and shopped my butt off because the place was deserted and peaceful. I could not resist.

Oh, and by the way, Team 2's item of evil and cheatiness was located fifteen feet in the air, atop a shelf which Zack scaled like Spiderman in order to obtain it.

Game 2: The sinister genius of picking two items from the RV section

This game took place on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was me and Jen versus Melis and Eric (the drama tech director). I cannot imagine what fun Melis had with such a partner as Eric. He’s an overly-dramatic delight. Words cannot express it.

Family members who read this, if you think I’m a drama queen, I shudder to imagine what superlatives you’d have to employ to describe Eric.

Friends who read this, you already know that I am nowhere near the drama queeniest person in The Group, and must be thinking, “Allison’s family doesn’t know from drama queens if they think she’s one.” But just imagine this: a cross between Chris and Melissa, with a healthy dash of Amanda added in. That’s Eric. I know, right?

We took off from the melons, as per usual. Jen and I started out so strong. We put back four items in the first five minutes. If you’ve never played the game, I assure you this is an astounding pace. We were pumped! Well, our pace screeched to a halt with a pack of Pez, and for the next hour we only found two more items.

Melis and Eric employed a sinister tactic: choosing two items near each other. It’s risky, but in this case it worked. We didn’t notice the funnels in the RV aisle after we found the hose elbow just a few inches away. Same with the Pez and toothpaste squeezies. By the end, I was so tired and hungry, I was praying for someone, anyone to win so we could go get crappy food at Denny’s. However, I took solace in the knowledge that our decorative tray from Lawn and Garden had provided our competitors with a modicum of frustration.

It was 5 AM ‘til we got to bed. I slept ‘til 1 PM because I do not have a two year-old to take care of. Sorry, Jen.

Liz, you will glory in the knowledge that I was soundly and surely beaten this time. I think I just heard you cackle with glee.

Also, we thought that several Wal-Mart staffers suspected we were up to shenanigans, so it’s a good thing our next game will be in Norristown when we visit Aunt Linda and Uncle Giz.

Ya hear that, Lex? Game on!

Vacation!

I hope you all are in the mood for some board games, because I totally am. Liz and Zack, you might want to bring Settlers. Just sayin'.

Also, WalMart game. It's on. I am the only undefeated cousin thus far. I am the Aunt Debby of the cousin WalMart game. Fear me!

"Why is this not in the candle aisle? This BELONGS in the candle aisle!"

Well, we played the Wal-mart game again. Once again, awesomeness ensued.

We arrived at 1:00 AM. It was me, Liz, Kris, and Lex against Jackie, Jimmy, and Zack. It was a close competition and we were almost defeated by a reed diffuser, but in the end it was some incense from the impulse buys and some green maraschino cherries from the baking aisle that were the undoing of Jackie, Jimmy, and Zack.

Excellent job finding the location of the dog snuggie, Lex. I can't wait for the next one.

"Coasters! They'll never know where to find coasters!"

This past weekend, I (sort of) broke my Wal-Mart boycott, but it was in the name of a glorious cause: game awesomeness. Zack introduced us to the Wal-Mart Game, something he’s been playing for years. (When you marry into a game-loving family, it’s always a good idea to bring some awesome games of your own to the table. Good show, Zack.) When he described it to us, I knew we had to play, boycott or not.

We gathered the troops. Zack and Liz were leading the charge and of course Kristen and I were all for it. Jackie was very excited to go. Nicole absolutely refused to go with us (boo!) and Jimmy had to be pulled off the couch where he was sound asleep. With six people in tow, we set off to start a new family tradition.

How to play the Wal-Mart game:

Step 1: Choose a 24-hour Wal-Mart and arrive no earlier than 1:00 AM. We arrived at 1:38.

Step 2: Split into two teams. Zack, Jackie, and I took on Liz, Kristen, and Jimmy. If this becomes the family tradition I suspect it will, I envision four or five teams roving the aisles.

Step 3: Take 30 minutes to comb the aisles finding ten items that will be difficult to put back. Avoid obvious places such as the cereal aisle. Feel free to choose feminine hygiene products if the opposing team is all male. Place the ten items in your cart, taking care that the opposing team does not see you in the act of choosing an item. You must be sure that there is at least one identical item left on the shelf after you’ve taken yours.

Step 4: Meet at a pre-arranged location (in our case, the display of citrus fruit) in order to exchange carts. Before the exchange, I suggest a quick bathroom break since you probably stopped at Sheetz on the way there for Cuppocino and Red Bull, even though Red Bull is vile despite what Jackie says.

Step 5: Exchange carts and the game is on! Teams must stay together at all times, and try not to run so fast that they are caught by the manager and thrown out into the dark Pennsylvania night. Whichever team puts away all ten items and arrives back the pre-arranged location first can call the other team on their cell phones and gloat. You may even be so pumped that you want to immediately play another round. Do so, unless the cousin that you dragged off the couch at 1:00 AM declares with bloodshot eyes, “There is no way that is going to happen” and then threatens to lie down on the shelf next to the baking soda unless you take him home right away.

The name of the game is strategy. Liz, Jimmy, and Kristen had us roving aisle after aisle looking for a display of gluten-free soy-based chocolate chips, and the jacket from the hunting gear section had us caught in the menswear section for quite a while. Two items in particular were our works of genius. Jackie chose an L bracket from the hardware aisle that was displayed in a barely visible cardboard box on the top shelf, and Zack picked some temporary tattoos from the impulse buy section at the registers. Masterful.

Afterward, the others bought some two dollar DVDs from the Black Friday bin, but I waltzed out of the store having purchased exactly nothing. I will leave it to you to decide whether I technically broke my boycott or not. All I know is that I left Wal-Mart with a smile on my face, and that’s a first.

Start strategizing for the Christmas round, cousins.