Caller ID bites me yet again

Today has not been my best day. First, I went to the break room to buy a carton of milk for my cereal, only to find that when I returned to my desk there was a big hole in the carton. Then my computer started making hideous beeping noises and, after wrestling with it for a while, I picked up my phone to call the Help Desk. Imagine my shock when the Director answered the phone. I looked down at the caller ID screen in abject horror to see that I had dialed his number accidentally (and don’t ask me how, because it’s not all that similar to the Help Desk line). I seriously considered just hanging up on him until I remembered that he has a caller ID screen too. Blast! There was no getting out of this one. I apologized for the incorrect number and considered just going home and going to bed since I doubt this day can be salvaged.

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight at the Copa Cabana..."

Do you ever go to sleep listening to your iPod? I like to put it on shuffle and fall asleep to it. Then, I check out the Recently Played list to see what I was listening to during the night. The other night it was "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung, a song from the Chocolat soundtrack, some Death Cab For Cutie, a little Barry Manilow, and Winston Churchill's Never Surrender speech that he delivered to the House of Commons during WWII. I wonder what strange dreams that combo caused.

Apparently, I can be a bit much.

So, the other day I was in the King of Prussia Mall, waiting for our Cheesecake Factory buzzer to go off and I was perusing the goods in Urban Outfitters, when I happened upon some pint glasses with the signs of the Zodiac printed on them. I don’t believe in that horoscope crap, but I picked up the Taurus glass for fun and read the back. After abusing me mightily and telling me how pushy and disagreeable I am, the text’s advice ended with this line: “Hang out with a Cancer. They’re too passive to tell you off.”

Amanda! No wonder I love hanging out with you so much!

When people in the UN can't agree, they should just start a mother-in-law conversation.

So I'm in Philly visiting Aunt Linda and Uncle Giz this week, and yesterday Melis, Kris, Lex, Mom, and I took a side trip to Manhattan. It was fabulous. I saw two shows that I've been dying to see, got some John's pizza, and saw a used-to-be-famous person on the street. (It was Greg Germann, who played the quirky Richard Fish on Ally MacBeal.)

In the morning Kris used her student ID to obtain a ticket for Gypsy for me while everyone else got tickets for Legally Blonde. We had lunch at Junior's and then rushed off to our shows. Gypsy is amazing and Patty Lupone must be on steroids for the amount of energy and emotion she puts into that show. She is a Broadway legend and it was such a thrill to see her in that amazing role. Go see it!

We met up for dinner at John's and then split again. The others saw Xanadu and sat in the on-stage seats. Whoopie Goldberg was guesting in one of the roles and she touched Lex and my Mom during the "Strange Magic" number. That squeal of jealousy you just heard came from Harrisburg, PA, from the mouth of my friend Chris.

While all this was going on, I was uptown having the theater experience of my life. I got a second row, dead center seat for The 39 Steps and I cannot even come up with an adjective powerful enough to describe how fabulous this show is. Every once in a while you see something on stage that you know is special and amazing and could never be recreated by someone else, and that is what I saw on the stage of the Cort Theater. Go see this show, go see it now, get in your car and drive to New York, but first stop in Johnstown to pick me up because I need to see it again.

Even my restroom experience in the Cort Theater was entertaining. There was a woman in the Ladies' Lounge complaining about her mother-in-law, and this must be the topic that crosses all cultural divides because total strangers started joining in, and here's what I heard:

"I hated my mother-in-law. My word, she was vicious."

"I hated my mother. Now, she was vicious."

"My first mother-in-law opened all my wedding gifts!"

"No wonder she was your first mother-in-law."

"I always referred to my son's first wife as 'my son's first wife,' even when they were still married."

I just love it when women get catty in the Ladies' Room!

Right now, my Olympic spirit is about as existent as Australia's ability to judge gymnastics.

So, I have just about had it with Olympic gymnastics. Someone call the police because Nastia Liukin was robbed.

Could someone explain to me how the Australian judge scored He Kexin three tenths of a point higher than Nastia? Three tenths! Ladies and gentlemen, in a sport where the winners are decided by hundredths of a point, a three tenth difference is the Australian judge effectively saying, “You and your routine can head straight to the ninth circle of Hades, mate!” Between this and the improperly lowered height of the vault table at the Sydney Olympics, hasn’t Australia done enough to screw up gymnastics? Is it wrong to think that perhaps they shouldn’t be allowed near the sport?

Oh, and! And! This crap tie-breaking system! The whole point of gymnastics scoring is that the results are not determined by a single judge (who may or may not be incompetent--I'm looking right at you, Australia), but by a whole panel. So why would you take two performances so comparable in their execution, and apply to them a tie-breaking rule that does rely on only a single score, on a single judge’s opinion? That makes the opposite of sense.

Please tell me why two gold-medal-worthy performances can’t just be rewarded as such? Is it so necessary to crush the hopes of a young athlete like that? Boo, gymnastics! Boo!

And I still think you shouldn't get a medal when you fall on your face.

We wear tiaras instead of helmets

So, I decided to join a Fantasy Football team. Now stop that. Stop laughing. Really, if you can’t behave yourself I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Now, about my new hobby, yes, there is a cousin Fantasy Football league and I just had to get in on it. My fellow players (Melis, Brian, Jen, Josh, Jamie, Jonas, Aaron, Scott, Mark) and I will be drafting at Uncle Denny’s picnic next weekend. Alas, I am dead last in the draw, but at least Tom Brady will surely be gone by then so I won’t be forced to take him, because he and his beady eyes creep me out. I swear, when he’s on TV it’s like he’s looking through the screen at me, getting an idea of the layout of my living room, all the better to hide behind the sofa and jump out and murder me. It’s the eyes. He’s got the dead, cold eyes of a sociopath. But on to more pleasant things: my team name!

After much debate (Team Brown Eyed Girl, Team Clueless, Team I’m Gonna Beat You So Badly I’ll Make You Cry And Then I’ll Tell Your Mama, etc…), I named my team “Quarterback Princess,” after a subpar 1983 TV movie starring Helen Hunt, Tim Robbins (in a small role), and John Stockwell, who you’ll best remember as Cougar in Top Gun, which also starred Tim Robbins in a small role (see how it all comes full circle?) I’m trying to get spun up on the ins and outs of Fantasy Football, but so far the most fun I’ve had was designing my team logo (a pretty, pink scripted “A” on a background of green stripes—I think I’m making my cousins mortified to be in the same league with me.)

I’ll keep you updated on my progress. Now I have to ponder the risks of waiting too long to nab a quality QB.

No, that's no problem if you fall on your face. We'll still give you a medal. Because you're Chinese.

Oh honestly, what is going on here, people? I know it's really important to stick your landing when vaulting in gymnastics, but I was under the impression that it was even more important to actually land your landing.

I'm just going to have a Bela Karolyi-type outburst here and say that I'm about sick of the favoritism being shown to the young ladies and pre-pubescent 12 year-olds that make up the Chinese gymnastics team. You can talk about start values all you want. The girl FELL ON HER FACE.

Whatever!