Why does Hollywood insist on bastardizing my childhood?

As I sit here, there are wicked plans brewing in Los Angeles. Plans to attack and destroy the memories that we children of the 80s hold dear. Plans to do something so heinous, so vile... Well, let’s just say it: plans to remake Footloose.

I know!

Sacrilege!

I first heard about it several weeks ago, when Zac Efron apparently came to his senses and decided to drop out of the project. I was horrified by the news of a Footloose remake, but I was content (or willfully blind enough) to believe it was an isolated incident. Perhaps an outgrowth of that wretched new 90210 the CW is torturing us with. Turns out no, the insidiousness doesn’t stop there.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon this! An untitled Big Chill remake! You need a title? How about "We’re Out Of Fresh Ideas So We Decided To Decimate Your Most Cherished Memories"? Too wordy? How about this: "Utter Crap!"

Clearly things were getting out of hand, but it all came to a head this morning, when I read a blurb in Entertainment Weekly about the upcoming Red Dawn remake. Oh my stars, you guys, this could not be a worse idea. You can't make that movie now. You need the presence of Cold-War-nuclear-holocaust fear to make this idea work. You can't set it in the 80s and just have the Russians attack. No one is afraid of the Russians anymore. Except maybe the Chechens. So, you're forced to set it in the present day and change the villain to the Chinese or the North Koreans or something. Oh, that’s going to go over well internationally. The British are still angry about The Patriot. (Actually, I’m still angry about The Patriot, but only from a movie critic standpoint.) Also, no one is afraid of the Chinese or the North Koreans. Except maybe the South Koreans. So what else is there? The Pakistanis? Yeah, like they could get it together to hunt down a band of high school students turned guerilla freedom fighters in the Michigan wilderness. And all of this is just politics when what I really want to know is why does Hollywood insist on bastardizing my childhood!

What’s next? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what: they touch The Goonies, they are DEAD to me. No one touches The Goonies. It’s like putting Baby in a corner.