My lips are so chapped, I look like I've had collagen.

That is all.

Hello, hazelnutty goodness.

Have you ever tried Nutella? I think it's European. It just seems like it should be European. I used to see it in stores and think, "I should try that. I LOVE hazelnuts." But then I would just walk past it and think no more of it. Well, last week I tried it. Oh, my.

The label will make you think it’s a hazelnut version of peanut butter with a bit of chocolate added. Not so. It is closer to crack in a jar. It is positively addictive and truly wonderful. You can’t spread it on toast like the label suggests. Mere toast is not good enough. I don’t even know what you could spread it on, so I’ve taken to eating it straight out of the jar with a spoon. Then I spend the rest of the day daydreaming about eating it straight out of the jar with a spoon.

Have you been living without Nutella? Punish yourself no longer. You can find it at Conzatti's.

If you're going to shout, for the love of decency, shout clearly.

So, I was at Wal-Mart today (blargh) and as I was leaving the electronics section, an employee walked up, along with a customer he was helping, and shouted about thirty feet across the store to another employee, "Hey! Do we carry Little Shop of Horrors?" But the thing is, he didn't properly enunciate the last word. The employee he was addressing looked mortified, which caused him to yell, "No, no! Horrors. Horrors!"

Oh, dear.

Freeze, drop the pantry, and put your hands in the air.

So, I love my new apartment, but the kitchen is tiny. Seriously tiny. It gets fabulous light, though, so I forgive it. The point is, I needed some more storage. Yes, I know I don’t cook, but a girl’s got to be able to keep a box of cereal and a bag of Swedish Fish on hand, and my cupboards are not tall enough to accommodate anything taller than Grape Nuts. And I cannot live on Grape Nuts alone. I can’t. I won’t.

So I spotted this adorable red pantry cabinet at JC Penney and snapped it up on an awesome sale. Check it out:



As I was checking out, the salesgirl regaled me with a tale that was both incredible and hilarious. The floor model, she told me, had just been put together that day, because the previous floor model had been stolen in broad daylight. Well, broad fluorescent light. Some dude had picked the entire thing up (and this thing is not light – I could barely even lift it) and run, yes run, right out of the store, into the mall, and outside before anyone could stop him (I know!) and is currently at large with the pilfered pantry. Is it Greek Week? This is so ridiculous. If you wanted to steal something pricey and kitchen-related, surely you’d have an easier time with a KitchenAid. This pantry is more than five feet tall!

I only wish I could have seen him rush by me, huffing and puffing under the weight of a 64 inch, solid wood, glass-fronted pantry cabinet with three saleswomen and Mall Security personnel in hot pursuit. I can’t imagine I’d have gotten my camera out in time, but it would have been a sight to see.

Well, these are magnificent.

Dutch tulip fields. Fabulous, no?

I'm hoping to spot tea and crumpets in the interrogation room.

]I'm not sure if you’re aware of this, but we Americans steal shamelessly from the British when it comes to television. In the Game Show Department: Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? and The Weakest Link; in the Lasted For Three Episodes Because the Humor Or “Humour” Doesn’t Translate Department: Coupling and Cold Feet; in both the Awesome and We Ended Up Doing It Better Departments: The Office.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before they started stealing back, and they chose a show that’s been running since the Carter administration. Law and Order: UK is currently in production and I am about to hop a flight to London just to see an episode. I’m trying to imagine what kind of Cockney-voiced wisecracks an English Lennie Briscoe would make, or what a British version of “Hang ‘Em High” Jack McCoy would look like. I’m imagining a wig. The big, white, powdery kind. I should think it would be difficult to perform a withering, self-righteous cross-examination with that thing perched upon your pate.

In true American style, they’re stealing the scripts of the early seasons and just shooting those. I have to wonder how that’s going to work since London’s crime rate is apparently a fraction of New York’s and I just can’t think of an English equivalent for Detective John Munch.

And British detectives don’t even carry guns. Can you imagine Elliot Stabler without a gun? How would he arrest someone? “Pardon me, sir. Would you be kind enough to come with us? We’re arresting you on suspicion of murder and all sorts of tomfoolery. Oh, I say! Stop running this instant! In the name of Her Majesty, stop!”

And that was your peek into my fevered, xenophobic imagination.

Prepare yourself to be fascinated by the Stone Temple Pilots.

Oh joy! Rapture! VH-1, a channel I did not think I could possibly love more, is finally bringing back its rockin' documentary series Behind the Music. I loved that show so much. In fact, the other night as I was painting my dining room window frames (they look smashing, thank you) I was thinking about Behind the Music and how much I missed it. And now here it is. It's enough to make a girl think she has powers. From now on, when I paint, I will concentrate on thinking about how much I miss Pushing Daisies.

I hope they kick off the new season with a marathon of the old shows. I really enjoyed the Tony Orlando episode.

"Argentina has great beef. Beef and Nazis."

I think I'd like to go to Buenos Aires. South America never held much charm for me, but I recently stumbled upon this article by a man who's reacting to the current recession by quitting his job and moving himself Argentina. Seems reasonable. That article led me to this blog entry, by a man who understands what makes a nation awesome and that if you're going to be number one in the world at something, it might as well be something awesome like beef consumption.

Argentina is number one in the world at beef consumption. Hence, I obviously need to go there. Here's an excerpt:

When the meat is cooked, it is roasted in thick pieces over open coals by obsessive meat chefs who have been cooking meat all their lives, for other people who have been eating meat all their lives, in a country that takes its meat extremely seriously. You are not likely to be disappointed.

I must go!

Argentinian meat has an extraordinary flavor, because Argentina has the world's best cows, apparently because they roam the pampas feasting on wild grass instead of spending their lives cooped up in a cell eating corn-feed. And if they've got the best cows in the world, it only follows that they'd have the best ice cream as well, and by all accounts they do. The country also fetishizes sugar (cubes the size of lego blocks!) and the blog author has discovered the Argentinian joy of dropping 2-liter bags of mayonnaise from a balcony. My question is, how is this not the top tourism destination in the world?

Oh, Kristen, I’m just going to drive you away permanently, aren’t I? Here, just for you:

I have decided to shun NBC until they give me a new episode of The Office

Why is there yet another repeat of The Office airing tonight? Does anyone else remember, back in the day, when repeats were something that occurred only in the summer (when you were too busy night-swimming in Gram's pool to even care about TV), and February was sweeps month filled with gripping television episodes and not the staging area for an endless string of repeats?

Or am I dating myself here?

Edited to add: Apparently I was incorrect. The Office is new tonight. Please disregard the previous tantrum.

Un-shun.