9-1-what the crap is going on here?

So, this past Saturday my friends and I went to Pittsburgh for a glorious day of Ikea, Dave and Buster's, and the most magnificent meal at Lidia's in the Strip District. Have you been? Go. Go now. Drop what you’re doing and go now.

Anyway, on our way there, we noticed the car in front of us was weaving dangerously all over the road and we decided to call 911. I won't go into the details, but I was bounced back and forth between several Indiana and Westmoreland County operators, each of whom were convinced I belonged with the other. Then, just to be more mischievous, the weaving driver turned back toward Cambria County, sending me on to another operator, who repeatedly asked me, "Which way is the car headed?" I repeated, again, "Toward Ebensburg." And then added, "By way of weaving all over the road."

After talking to seven different people, I was finally transferred to the State Police who asked me for some nearby landmarks. I asked my friends what was nearby and P offered, "We just passed Streekers." (Streekers is a strip club, and yes, I had to look up the correct spelling.) I covered the mouthpiece with my hand and hissed, "I am NOT saying that to a police officer. Find me another landmark!"

When the officer promised to send a trooper out, and we decided we had done all we could so we turned around, even though I really wanted to keep following and watch the guy get pulled over. I imagined all sorts of melodramatic DUI tests or maybe some meth in the glovebox.

Anyway, if you ever need emergency assistance, try not to need it near the county line.

Extraordinary

James sent me the link to this photo essay. It's remarkable, both as a work of photography and as a tribute to love and letting go.

And if you have an issue with your co-workers seeing you cry, maybe don't view it at work.

It's a miraculous miracle!

Okay, so do you remember how I went on and on about how awesome that new NBC show, Southland, was? Well, I did. I went on and on. Then what happened? NBC decided they didn't have room for gritty dramas anymore because they'd rather put the super cheap Jay Leno show on five nights a week in the 10PM slot. (Like, seriously, are you trying to destroy your network?)

Southland was a casualty of this madness. I wept, I wailed, I declared that Brandon Tartikoff would be rolling in his grave to see what has become of the network he built, the network that ruled the 80s. But! Now, I no longer have to look with bewilderment at the burned out shell that is NBC. I don't have to look at NBC at all. TNT has picked up Southland and will re-air the first season's seven episodes as well as the second season episodes that have been filmed. It's a miracle!

After all I've been through with Pushing Daisies and Arrested Development and Firefly and Veronica Mars and The State and Deadwood... Wow, I've been through a lot. But TNT has rescued me this time. January 12, people. Officer Cooper returns.

Straight outta Lackawanna

Sweet fancy Moses, do you guys watch The Office webisodes? The latest batch is all about the gloriously dysfunctional Kelly-Ryan relationship which causes Miss Kapoor to pour her heart out in the medium of song. Kelly and nice/clueless receptionist Erin have created their own girl group, Subtle Sexuality, and the third webisode features their debut video, "Male Primadonna."

Yes, it's about Ryan and features a rap by him, and a solo by the 'Nard Dog. Also, even though it's a novelty song, it's better than most of the crap winning MTV music video awards right now. I downloaded it from iTunes and I have no regrets.



Could Ryan be any creepier? How hilarious is Andy? How much do I want Kelly's rhinestone eyepatch? (So much.)

Yes, I think she can dance.

This is my early prediction for the winner of this season's So You Think You Can Dance:

Ellenore is talented and an utter delight. She has my vote. I am also adoring Russell and I hope he comes in second.

P.S. Days I've been gloriously Wal-Mart-free: 6

The smiley face shackles are coming off.

So, I went to Wal-Mart on Friday. Foolish, I know, but I needed to scan some photos so I could post them on Facebook. I spent about an hour scanning photos and when I tried to add my name and number to the order, the computer froze and lost all of my photos. As you can imagine, I was in a state. I had just spent an hour in Wal-Mart, a place I despise like poison, and it was all for nothing.

To her credit, the woman at the photo center was very sympathetic and apologetic, which was a nice surprise since Wal-Mart employees usually either growl at me or ignore me. I told her it wasn't her fault and that I understood there was nothing she could do, but still I was in a tizzy. I packed up my things and exclaimed to myself (and whoever else was in earshot), "Oh, this is such a horrible place! I hate it here so much!"

And then I left, because it is a horrible place and I do hate it there so much. It's the opposite of Holly Golightly's romanticized view of Tiffany's; whenever you go there something horrible happens to you. Or you end up screaming obscenities at your spouse. Each time I enter the building I invariably leave wishing it would burn to the ground, so why do I go back? If I knew a person who made me feel this way I'd avoid him at all costs. Therefore I have decided to avoid Wal-Mart from now on, for my own mental health. We don't like each other, Wal-Mart and I, so it's time to chuck this abusive relationship. I will be purchasing groceries at the grocery store, health and beauty items at the drug store, crafty items at Michael's, and everything else at Target. And, so help me, if I have to buy an entire photo-processing station and house it in my sunroom, I will never be the victim of a frozen scanner again. Freedom!

Days I've been Wal-Mart-free: 3

Proposal rescinded!

Remember when I wrote this? I take it all back. I'm not going to get into the Vernon Davis-related shenanigans. Just know that Mr. Roto cost me 27 points this week and I no longer wish to marry him.

27 points. I could throttle that man!