Muah ha ha ha ha! Just when I thought I could not love VH1 more, what with three iterations of I Love the 80s and as many seasons of watching poor Bret Michaels chase the former strippers of the world in Rock of Love, this channel that has become the pop culture beacon of our world is giving us a new gift. Terrell Owens is getting his own reality show.
No, seriously. Check out this blurb:
Top sports figure Terrell "T.O." Owens gets his own reality show on VH1 scheduled to premiere this summer. The series will follow Owens during the Dallas Cowboys' off-season as he deals with his best friends and publicists Monique Jackson and Kita Williams, revealing all the while his true personality is a mix of quiet and sensitive as well as volatile and outspoken.
Okay, first of all, “quiet and sensitive”? I don’t find that credible.
And second of all, when your publicists are your best friends, there is a problem. These are not your friends. These are people you pay to make you look good to the public, and as far as that’s concerned I hope they’re not being paid much because they are failing spectacularly. (Although succeeding at that job would require the liberal use of a muzzle.)
And these publicists/best friends will also act as matchmakers? Can “Cowboy of Love” be far behind? I cannot WAIT to watch this, and I know Amanda and Gena will be with me!
Viva la VH1!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And THIS is why Mickey Rourke needs to win the Oscar.
This year Mickey Rourke gave a career-turning performance in The Wrestler. He won a Golden Globe, was nominated for a SAG, and is a front-runner for the Oscar. I'm not personally a huge fan of his, but I find myself desperately hoping he'll be taking home that Academy Award if only to prevent another sanctimonious acceptance speech by Sean frickin' Penn.
The SAG awards were marred by Mr. Penn's rambling, eye-roll-inducing, self-important speech Sunday night, in which he declared he didn't agree with everything that had transpired at the ceremony in a tone that suggested SAG members should be ashamed they didn't vote in a manner that pleased him, became downright belligerent that Benicio del Toro wasn't nominated for anything for Che, and called TV Oscar commentators "idiots" for insinuating that the Best Actor nominees were in competition for the award, because he's Sean Penn and he doesn't approve of competition between actors (although, I can't help but notice that his disapproval does not go so far as to compel him to remove his name from consideration for these awards.)
Whatever! Shut your pie hole and take your award and be done with it! And Che was literally released the day before you gave that speech and may not even have been eligible for the awards this year, so just say "thank you" and get off the stage!
It's times like these that I wish he'd start making all his movies with Oliver Stone so I could conveniently ignore them together. Maybe they could hit the trifecta and include Renee Zellweger in their unholy alliance. A girl can dream.
The SAG awards were marred by Mr. Penn's rambling, eye-roll-inducing, self-important speech Sunday night, in which he declared he didn't agree with everything that had transpired at the ceremony in a tone that suggested SAG members should be ashamed they didn't vote in a manner that pleased him, became downright belligerent that Benicio del Toro wasn't nominated for anything for Che, and called TV Oscar commentators "idiots" for insinuating that the Best Actor nominees were in competition for the award, because he's Sean Penn and he doesn't approve of competition between actors (although, I can't help but notice that his disapproval does not go so far as to compel him to remove his name from consideration for these awards.)
Whatever! Shut your pie hole and take your award and be done with it! And Che was literally released the day before you gave that speech and may not even have been eligible for the awards this year, so just say "thank you" and get off the stage!
It's times like these that I wish he'd start making all his movies with Oliver Stone so I could conveniently ignore them together. Maybe they could hit the trifecta and include Renee Zellweger in their unholy alliance. A girl can dream.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My thoughts on the Presidential Inauguration
1. I love watching something that has never happened before. The history geek in me goes nuts and I like to let her go nuts as often as possible.
2. Whatever your politics, you must agree that our new President is an incredibly gifted public speaker.
3. This is appalling, but I had no idea the Chief Justice of our Supreme Court was so young.
4. I was getting really annoyed by CNN's little trivia tidbits at the bottom of the screen. They told me Obama was the 5th youngest man elected President, but they failed to tell me who the other four are. (I will not be so ungenerous: they are JFK, Bill Clinton - I would not have pegged that. Dude needs to invest in some moisturizer., U.S. Grant - Also wouldn't have pegged that, but he had just fought a war., and Teddy Roosevelt, who was 46 when elected to his second term and just 42--younger than any other Prez--when he stepped into McKinley's assassinated shoes four years earlier.)
5. Aretha Franklin's hat was fabulous.
6. I was made extremely uncomfortable by the way Pastor Rick Warren pronounced the names of Obama daughters Malia and Sasha. If you didn't see it, go find it on CNN or YouTube. I defy you not to be uncomfortable with me.
7. I am always amazed at how we all gather together every four or eight years and watch the most powerful man in the world willingly give up the reins of government. A few centuries ago such a thing would have been unthinkable, and now it's become so common, we don't even stop to think about what an amazing thing that is.
2. Whatever your politics, you must agree that our new President is an incredibly gifted public speaker.
3. This is appalling, but I had no idea the Chief Justice of our Supreme Court was so young.
4. I was getting really annoyed by CNN's little trivia tidbits at the bottom of the screen. They told me Obama was the 5th youngest man elected President, but they failed to tell me who the other four are. (I will not be so ungenerous: they are JFK, Bill Clinton - I would not have pegged that. Dude needs to invest in some moisturizer., U.S. Grant - Also wouldn't have pegged that, but he had just fought a war., and Teddy Roosevelt, who was 46 when elected to his second term and just 42--younger than any other Prez--when he stepped into McKinley's assassinated shoes four years earlier.)
5. Aretha Franklin's hat was fabulous.
6. I was made extremely uncomfortable by the way Pastor Rick Warren pronounced the names of Obama daughters Malia and Sasha. If you didn't see it, go find it on CNN or YouTube. I defy you not to be uncomfortable with me.
7. I am always amazed at how we all gather together every four or eight years and watch the most powerful man in the world willingly give up the reins of government. A few centuries ago such a thing would have been unthinkable, and now it's become so common, we don't even stop to think about what an amazing thing that is.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Dear Consumers, it's possible that we poisoned you. Sorry about that!
So, what's worse than finding a carton of peanut butter crackers in your drawer that the manufacturer has recalled due to salmonella contamination?
Finding half a carton of peanut butter crackers in your drawer that the manufacturer has recalled due to salmonella contamination.
Thanks a lot, Kellogg's.
Finding half a carton of peanut butter crackers in your drawer that the manufacturer has recalled due to salmonella contamination.
Thanks a lot, Kellogg's.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
"Yes, Doctor, I realize it was foolish to eat the cookie."
So I overheard some of my co-workers talking about Girl Scout cookies. Apparently it's once again time for those peppy, chipper little girls to start hocking their sugar wafers. And that's when I had a terrible realization, and I went to my desk drawer, and pulled out a FULL BOX OF SAMOAS! Never opened! And what's worse is that while I think they're from last year, in my heart of hearts I know they might be even older. Strangely, though, they look exactly the same.
I was tempted to try to bite into one, but I didn't want to contract a severe case of food poisoning and then have to explain to emergency room personnel that I ate a cookie that was at least a year old, possibly older, just to guage the preservative qualities of Girl Scout sweets.
This year, I'm sticking to Thin Mints.
I was tempted to try to bite into one, but I didn't want to contract a severe case of food poisoning and then have to explain to emergency room personnel that I ate a cookie that was at least a year old, possibly older, just to guage the preservative qualities of Girl Scout sweets.
This year, I'm sticking to Thin Mints.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
And the beef goes on...
I'm making a habit out of watching people attempt to eat three pounds of beef. It never gets old.
Over the Christmas break, I returned to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, this time with Amanda, her sister Jess, Jess' husband Kevin, her cousin Travis, and Mama and Papa Beyer. We had three burger challengers that night. Amanda and Kevin went for the two-pounder and Travis, in a fit of either hubris or insanity, took on the formidable three-pounder. (Kristen, look away!)
Things started off well (don't they always?) and Kevin was really going strong at first. I thought he was going to power through in no time. Then, as he started to slow down, Amanda hit her stride. She halved her burger lengthwise, putting one part with the top bun and one with the bottom bun. Holding half the burger, it was now only the size of two Whoppers stacked on top of each other, and therefore much more manageable. Travis noticed this was helping her and he decided to follow her lead.
This would prove to be his undoing.
The three pound burger is a different beast. The three pound burger, when halved, just looks more sinister than before. Instead of a burger the size of a robust newborn, Travis now sat in front of several piles of beef that seemed to multiply before our very eyes. It was like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes in a Clearfield bar. I nibbled my fried pickles in horror. Travis later claimed, "breaking the burger apart broke me psychologically," and he ended the evening hunched over his take-out container.
In the end, no one completed the burger challenge, but I still have hope that I'll see it happen one day. So let me know if you want to head to Clearfield to take on this:
Kristen! Keep looking away!
Over the Christmas break, I returned to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, this time with Amanda, her sister Jess, Jess' husband Kevin, her cousin Travis, and Mama and Papa Beyer. We had three burger challengers that night. Amanda and Kevin went for the two-pounder and Travis, in a fit of either hubris or insanity, took on the formidable three-pounder. (Kristen, look away!)
Things started off well (don't they always?) and Kevin was really going strong at first. I thought he was going to power through in no time. Then, as he started to slow down, Amanda hit her stride. She halved her burger lengthwise, putting one part with the top bun and one with the bottom bun. Holding half the burger, it was now only the size of two Whoppers stacked on top of each other, and therefore much more manageable. Travis noticed this was helping her and he decided to follow her lead.
This would prove to be his undoing.
The three pound burger is a different beast. The three pound burger, when halved, just looks more sinister than before. Instead of a burger the size of a robust newborn, Travis now sat in front of several piles of beef that seemed to multiply before our very eyes. It was like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes in a Clearfield bar. I nibbled my fried pickles in horror. Travis later claimed, "breaking the burger apart broke me psychologically," and he ended the evening hunched over his take-out container.
In the end, no one completed the burger challenge, but I still have hope that I'll see it happen one day. So let me know if you want to head to Clearfield to take on this:
Kristen! Keep looking away!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
It's back, people. And this time, it’s mobile.
I can tell you this: the skank factor has increased exponentially, something I didn’t even realize was possible. Yes, that’s right. Brett Michaels has returned for a third time, lookin’ for love among the strippers and strumpets of this great land. This season, Brett and his “ladies” will be traveling on a tour bus instead of staying in the tacky LA house that hosted the first two seasons. He has declared that if he doesn’t find love this time, he won’t be trying again. Oh Brett, please, if you don’t periodically subject yourself and twenty other fame-seekers to melodramatic humiliation, where will I get my guilty pleasure TV? I was planning on watching Rock of Love: Nursing Home Edition in thirty years.
Let’s get right to it. Brett greets his twenty potential soul mates and he is delighted to be standing before “this much beauty.” Brett and I differ on the definition of the word beauty. My definition includes neither collagen nor silicone.
Also returning? My favorite, Big John! He’s Brett’s true rock, as he keeps Brett sane, gets him to his shows on time, and breaks up any trampy catfights that happen to arise. I hope he’s well paid. Big John has lost some weight, cut his hair, and he’s looking downright adorable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know why these girls don’t ditch Brett and start going after him. Oh, maybe this is why:
“I’m a little bit not too smart, but it’s okay.” –Brittanya, Rock of Love Bus contestant
A little sampling of Brittanya’s competitors:
Contestant #1: Adult film star.
Contestant #3: Imagine Daisy of season 2, but three times more terrifying, and rapping (badly) with notes written on the back of STD pamphlets. Yeah, you read that correctly.
Contestant # 4: Transsexual, perhaps?
Contestant # 6: Certified lion tamer.
Contestant # 7: A new-age belly dancer from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains with a Master’s Degree in Storytelling. I love VH-1!
And now, for the interview portion of the evening.
A woman named Samantha steps up and mentions that she gets terribly carsick in all types of moving vehicles. Well, that shouldn’t pose a problem for a show taking place entirely on a tour bus. On second thought, I imagine there will be so much vomiting going on, she’ll fit right in.
Next, the porn star takes a moment to decry our nation’s non-acceptance of pornography, spouting, “America’s pretty messed up that way.” Well, I certainly feel chastened. How about you?
Finally, a terrifying woman, shellacked in make-up, steps up to the camera and Brett declares that she’s, “beautiful in a Juliette Lewis kind of way.”
Umm, what way would that be, Brett?
I will tell you this, she speaks just like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, but that might just be the collagen talking.
I bet she wouldn’t bring you your chapstick either.
In the end, Brett dumps five of the girls, including terrifying Daisy 2.0, but he keeps the porn star, so she’ll be back to lecture us again next week. I’m just praying Heather makes a guest appearance.
Let’s get right to it. Brett greets his twenty potential soul mates and he is delighted to be standing before “this much beauty.” Brett and I differ on the definition of the word beauty. My definition includes neither collagen nor silicone.
Also returning? My favorite, Big John! He’s Brett’s true rock, as he keeps Brett sane, gets him to his shows on time, and breaks up any trampy catfights that happen to arise. I hope he’s well paid. Big John has lost some weight, cut his hair, and he’s looking downright adorable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know why these girls don’t ditch Brett and start going after him. Oh, maybe this is why:
“I’m a little bit not too smart, but it’s okay.” –Brittanya, Rock of Love Bus contestant
A little sampling of Brittanya’s competitors:
Contestant #1: Adult film star.
Contestant #3: Imagine Daisy of season 2, but three times more terrifying, and rapping (badly) with notes written on the back of STD pamphlets. Yeah, you read that correctly.
Contestant # 4: Transsexual, perhaps?
Contestant # 6: Certified lion tamer.
Contestant # 7: A new-age belly dancer from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains with a Master’s Degree in Storytelling. I love VH-1!
And now, for the interview portion of the evening.
A woman named Samantha steps up and mentions that she gets terribly carsick in all types of moving vehicles. Well, that shouldn’t pose a problem for a show taking place entirely on a tour bus. On second thought, I imagine there will be so much vomiting going on, she’ll fit right in.
Next, the porn star takes a moment to decry our nation’s non-acceptance of pornography, spouting, “America’s pretty messed up that way.” Well, I certainly feel chastened. How about you?
Finally, a terrifying woman, shellacked in make-up, steps up to the camera and Brett declares that she’s, “beautiful in a Juliette Lewis kind of way.”
Umm, what way would that be, Brett?
I will tell you this, she speaks just like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, but that might just be the collagen talking.
I bet she wouldn’t bring you your chapstick either.
In the end, Brett dumps five of the girls, including terrifying Daisy 2.0, but he keeps the porn star, so she’ll be back to lecture us again next week. I’m just praying Heather makes a guest appearance.
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