Emergency Alert!

Does everyone remember how the ABC network unceremoniously dumped the most clever, original, and aesthetically beautiful show on television? A pox upon them! Well, now they're unceremoniously dumping the few remaining episodes they filmed, months after they stopped showing the current season and in a completely inconceivable timeslot. They really are wicked.

All of this is to say that Pushing Daisies is on tonight at 10:00 PM and will be finishing out its run over the next couple of weeks. I've set aside the next twenty minutes for weeping and depression. Later taters.

Why does Hollywood insist on bastardizing my childhood?

As I sit here, there are wicked plans brewing in Los Angeles. Plans to attack and destroy the memories that we children of the 80s hold dear. Plans to do something so heinous, so vile... Well, let’s just say it: plans to remake Footloose.

I know!

Sacrilege!

I first heard about it several weeks ago, when Zac Efron apparently came to his senses and decided to drop out of the project. I was horrified by the news of a Footloose remake, but I was content (or willfully blind enough) to believe it was an isolated incident. Perhaps an outgrowth of that wretched new 90210 the CW is torturing us with. Turns out no, the insidiousness doesn’t stop there.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon this! An untitled Big Chill remake! You need a title? How about "We’re Out Of Fresh Ideas So We Decided To Decimate Your Most Cherished Memories"? Too wordy? How about this: "Utter Crap!"

Clearly things were getting out of hand, but it all came to a head this morning, when I read a blurb in Entertainment Weekly about the upcoming Red Dawn remake. Oh my stars, you guys, this could not be a worse idea. You can't make that movie now. You need the presence of Cold-War-nuclear-holocaust fear to make this idea work. You can't set it in the 80s and just have the Russians attack. No one is afraid of the Russians anymore. Except maybe the Chechens. So, you're forced to set it in the present day and change the villain to the Chinese or the North Koreans or something. Oh, that’s going to go over well internationally. The British are still angry about The Patriot. (Actually, I’m still angry about The Patriot, but only from a movie critic standpoint.) Also, no one is afraid of the Chinese or the North Koreans. Except maybe the South Koreans. So what else is there? The Pakistanis? Yeah, like they could get it together to hunt down a band of high school students turned guerilla freedom fighters in the Michigan wilderness. And all of this is just politics when what I really want to know is why does Hollywood insist on bastardizing my childhood!

What’s next? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what: they touch The Goonies, they are DEAD to me. No one touches The Goonies. It’s like putting Baby in a corner.

Sunny day, sweepin' the clouds away...

So, we went to Sesame Place this weekend. It was Julia's day from top to bottom (although Melis and I were pretty psyched to see the replica of Sesame Street with the actual front stoop!) The day started with Breakfast With Elmo. Dearest readers, if you ever have the opportunity to take a Sesame Street obsessed toddler to this park, definitely spring for the breakfast. Not only does Elmo attend, but also Bert, Ernie, Big Bird, and Zoe.

Julia entered the dining hall and turned into one of those screaming girls you see in stock footage of Beatles concerts. She ran around the room shouting, "Elmo!" "Bert!" "Zoooeeeee!" She flew from character to character getting hugs and honking their big orange noses, and basically shoving other kids out of the way like a psychotic, coked-up toddler. (For the record, she is only one of those three things.) Some children were screaming in terror at the characters (which was hilarious) but not my Julesy. She didn't want to eat, she just wanted more hugs




After breakfast, we went out into the park, where Jules continued to spot the famous residents of Sesame Street. I think she was hunting down Cookie Monster in this shot:



And here she's just been held back from shoving another (larger) little girl to the ground and is finally getting her turn to hug Zoe. I honestly didn't realize kids could act this way.



We went to the "Elmo Live!" show, which Jules loved, but I only saw it as an opportunity to nap in air conditioning. Below you'll see the two hardest-working employees at Sesame Place. The guy in the red suit is only the second- hardest worker. It's the khaki-shorted dude next to him who has to control the crowds of children desperate to see Elmo, choose the lucky few who will dance on stage with Elmo, and MC the wretched show, all while displaying the poise and pep of a Rancho-Carne Toro cheerleader, who is the real star. I was exhausted just watching him.

Also, was anyone else disappointed when the much talked-about "Mr. Noodle" appeared and he wasn't at all a puppet noodle? Missed opportunity, that.



I couldn't resist this cupcake. Unfortunately it was inedible. I'm certain its creation caused a sugar shortage somewhere in the world.



We ended the day with the parade down Sesame Street. The characters ride by on floats and jump down to dance and mingle with the crowd. Julia was utterly starstruck. She screamed and waved and giggled like a 13-year-old at a Jonas Brothers concert. It was awesome.

Guess who I'm having breakfast with tomorrow.

This guy:


Prayers for my sanity are greatly appreciated.

So I’m going to talk about a few things, starting with pedicures and ending with hockey.

Jen and Melis and I went for pedicures last night at a place in the Galleria. The pedis were awesome and my feet look so nice now. As I was sitting there, allowing the nail polish to dry, I realized that I had idiotically worn my socks and sneakers there and if I tried to put them back on, they’d mess up my pretty new toenails. The pedicure place offered me some of their disposable flip flops and I really had no choice but to take them and wear them out into the mall. It was one of the more public of my many humiliations. I was trudging (yes, trudging, because I still had those foam separators between my toes) through the mall in bright yellow foam flip flops that were as thick as a fruit roll-up, and just as flimsy. I made Melis bring the car up to get me.

Then we headed to Applebee’s for dinner where talk turned to Fantasy Football, as it is wont to do. And if Becky or Linda were even reading this post, we just lost them there. Anyway, we talked about last year’s season and all the memories came back; how much I love Ronnie Brown, how much I despise Randy Moss, and how much Terrell Owens decimates any team foolish enough to take him.

Melis also mentioned that some of the guys would like to do a Points Per Reception league this year and how PPRs make someone like Wes Welker much more valuable. Then she started talking about receptions across the middle with a west coast offense and how Boldin got screwed because Arizona gave Fitz such an amazing contract. I may be getting some of the terms wrong here, but you get the picture. Anyway the guy at the next table over looked at Melis with an expression of shock and awe. He was thinking, “Holy crap! It’s a girl! And she knows about football! She knows more about football than I do!” And if it wouldn’t have been exceedingly tacky, I’d have whipped out my phone right there and snapped his photo because his expression was a delight. Also I was too busy being enraged by memories of Randy “Butterfingers” Moss dropping football after football in what could only be a personal attack on me and my Fantasy team. Jerk.

So now I’m all geared up for the next fantasy season and I’m wishing these endless hockey playoffs, which have been going on for like eight months now, would be over already. But, you know, go Pens!

Apparently this is the TV blog now

All you fans of The State! Hearken to my voice! I have to pass along this extremely pertinent info. Michael Ian Black (a.k.a. Barry Lutz) and Michael Showalter (a.k.a. Doug) are shooting a new show for Comedy Central this summer. It's called Michael & Michael Have Issues. Here's a blurb:

Series stars Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter in a different twist to the narrative and sketch comedy format where both host a fictitious sketch show. The show-within-a-show will also offer viewers a glimpse into the issues, big and small, that plague both Michaels about each other. Premieres July 15 at 1030p.

July 15! The only thing that would distract me from watching it is if I'm too busy plowing through my DVDs of The State.

James, don't you have a hankering to tell me you love brisket?

Southland. You NEED to watch this show.

"Yeah, you're gonna love me."

I know this is two posts in a row that are all “Watch this thing!” but I would feel like a total hog if I kept Southland to myself. I love you people and want you to have access to good TV.

Okay, here’s the thing. The promos for this show sucked. It looked self-important. It looked poorly written. It looked bad. What can I say? Fire the ad department because this show rocks the Kasbah! Watch it. Watch it NOW.

I originally had no plans to watch this show, but Michael Cudlitz is in it and I’m, like, biologically wired to check out the projects of the entire cast of Band of Brothers, with the exception of David Schwimmer and, even taking him out of the mix, it’s still a huge cast so this can be rather exhausting, especially with some of the film choices Neal McDonough has made lately, but it has brought me into the Southland fold so I can be thankful for that. And it’s only right that Cudlitz is the one to lure me in because he is the standout of an outstanding cast. Sorry for anyone who has to share a scene with him because he steals every single one of them, just like the thieves that these LAPD cops hunt down. I can’t say enough about his performance. Someone bring me more adjectives!

Also in this awesome cast? Ben McKenzie. Unfortunately for him, he has to share most of Cudlitz’s scenes, but he actually does a great job of holding his own. I did not know of this actor before this show. Apparently he was quite famous from that Fox show The O.C., which I did not watch previously, but now I’m considering Netflixing it because this guy is really very good. I mean, think about that. This guy is so good on Southland that I’m actually considering Netflixing four seasons of a Fox teen soap opera starring the unbearable Mischa Barton. Clearly he impressed me.

Also witness the awesomeness of Regina King (Yep. Brenda from 227. She rocks.), Kevin Alejandro (the beloved and much-missed Santos from Ugly Betty, but hardcore Alias fans will remember him as the smokin’ evil Cesar from that episode that flashes back to Nadia’s past in Argentina) and Shawn Hatosy, who hasn’t really been in anything I’ve seen but is wonderful in his role nonetheless.

For my fellow children of the 80s, C. Thomas Howell is also in the show, playing Officer Dewey. It took me about three episodes to realize it was him. I kept saying, “Man, this Dewey character is annoying. And where the heck is C. Thomas Howell?” Tom Everett Scott (Guy Patterson from That Thing You Do!) is pretty much wasted in his role, but who even cares because I just want more scenes with Michael Cudlitz.

The show is about 5 episodes into its run right now, so I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but go to Hulu.com and watch them and then email me to tell me how right I was in insisting that you watch this show. And then we can want more scenes with Michael Cudlitz together.

Get thee to thy Netflix queue!

"What do you mean we're out of gin?"

Have you ever seen The Thin Man?

Well, you really oughtta do something about that.

You know how in Murder By Death all the detectives are based on famous fictional detectives? Like Peter Falk’s Sam Diamond is based on Sam Spade, and Peter Sellers’ hilarious Sydney Wang is based on Charlie Chan? And if you’re not getting any of this, it means you haven’t seen Murder By Death, and that is a REAL tragedy. Truman Capote railing on about the use and non-use of pronouns, prepositions, and articles is comedy gold. I’m laughing right now just thinking about it. “Ah! Voice come from cow on wall!”

Where was I?

Oh yes, so, Dick and Dora Charleston, as portrayed by David Niven and Maggie Smith, are based on Nick and Nora Charles, the heroes of The Thin Man. There were six Thin Man movies made, and Jen and my parents and I have been watching them, and they are so delightful I felt compelled to tell you about them. They’re so clever and fun and every good adjective. Nick and Nora drink like fish, dress like a Vanity Fair ad, and toss off witticisms with wry coolness, all while solving murders and being fabulous. Rent them! Do it now!

This is very wrong. (And just a tiny bit right.)

Am I the only one who simultaneously thinks this Titanic thing is appallingly tacky yet still totally wants to do it?

However, their plans to take exactly 1,309 people on the voyage make no sense. Titanic did not set sail with 1,309 people. If I correctly remember the actor playing First Officer Murdoch in the 1997 film, there were approximately “2,200 souls on board.” Maybe that 1,309 number they keep throwing around is the number that died, in which case this just got very creepy. Perhaps they’re planning even more of a re-creation than the passengers imagine?

I ought to look out the window more often.

I knew my new backyard had some trees in it, but they were bare when I moved in and I know as much about trees as I do about Swahili dialects, so imagine my surprise when I looked out my back window this morning and saw this:

The blooms are such a lovely shade of pink.

There's also this gorgeous red one up front by my living room and dining room windows. When the sun hits it, it looks like it's on fire.