So, I'm standing in line...

...at the Paratroopers at Idlewild today, and I hear a twelve-year-old boy tell a five-year-old boy, "You have to learn to act like a man, not a little boy."

Yeah.

I have been through it.

A word of warning to those I know who are currently reading this book or planning to read it:

This book was rough. Just frickin' rough.

Like I am going to need a full complement of the Jane Austen novels after this. Like maybe some Tolkien therapy--I don't know. Some serious Anne of Green Gables stuff is in order after what I've been through.

That is all.

Overheard at Aunt Linda's this weekend...

Ali: I can't believe how tan I got!

Everyone else: (snickers of disbelief)

Ali: No, seriously, guys. My legs look so brown!

Everyone else: (snickers of disbelief and pity)

Ali: Shut up, all of you.

Spent 12 hours in the pool today...

Aunt Linda tells me that's a new record.

Upon arriving at Aunt Linda's...

Melis: Hey Mags, look at all that ice cream.

Maggie: Ooh, look at all that sauce.

She's a good Italian girl.

A Tale of Two Wal-Mart Games

Game 1: Attention: Unintentional cheating in aisle 7

So July vacation = Wal-Mart game grudge match.

I had been bragging about being the only undefeated cousin, so people were out to get me. I’m not going to name any names (Liz) but there was a target on my back. Since we had nine people, we split into three teams, after an obligatory Sheetz run for mac n' cheese and the like. We had three newbies, and their names all began with M.

Team 1: Ali, Alexa, and Megan
Team 2: Zack, Jackie, and Maggie
Team 3: Liz, Kris, and Melis

First, let me say that Megan has spent a lot of time in the Wal-Mart, because she knew stuff like the child's decorative frame kit goes in Hardware. Also, kudos to Team 3 on choosing the menorah candles. That gave us some trouble until I reasoned that since the virgin Mary candles are in the Hispanic food section, we needed to look for a Jewish food section. Did you know the J-town Wal-Mart has a Jewish food section? Neither did I. But when we spotted the gifelte fish and matzo, Alexa started doing high kicks of joy.

The real kicker was a Hannah Montana pedicure kit. What made it so maddening was that there are displays of Hannah Montana merch ALL OVER that store. Miley Cyrus is truly taking over Wal-Mart, which is step 1 in taking over the world. We finally found it by the purses. The purses! Explain to me the logic!

We made it back to the melons and were elated to call the other teams in, but we weren't sure if we had won yet. Because there were three teams, we had devised a point system in which you got two points for every item put back and one point for every item left in the cart of the team who got our stuff. When we tallied it up, we were tied with Team 2. But then the real craziness began.

Team 2 held aloft their one remaining item, a blue travel cup, and demanded to know from whence it had come. When we told them Automotive, they said they had been there and seen similar blue cups, but not an exact match. We began to wonder if we had unintentionally cheated but then Team 3 stepped forward and produced a bike rack, claiming that they had found many similar boxes containing tire racks, but no bike racks.

We headed, en masse, to Automotive and Lawn and Garden and discovered that Teams 1 and 2 had accidentally chosen items of evil and cheatiness, causing Teams 2 and 3 to go on the proverbial wild goose chase. Since it was impossible to decide how much time had been wasted on the items of evil and cheatiness, the game was declared a draw.

Zack thought his team should have won because there were still four items left in the cart he had given to Team 3, but Team 3 had wasted at least 30 minutes looking for the bike rack that wasn't there. If you ask me, I think if anyone should get the W, it's Team 3 since they're the only ones who didn't cheat. But to end with four items in your cart, frustration over the bike rack, and no final rush to the melons, is a sucky way to "win."

Overall it was a weird game and our newbies didn't really get a good idea of the awesomeness of the Wal-Mart game. Next time, Gadget. Next time.

And then, full disclosure, I stayed 'til 4AM and shopped my butt off because the place was deserted and peaceful. I could not resist.

Oh, and by the way, Team 2's item of evil and cheatiness was located fifteen feet in the air, atop a shelf which Zack scaled like Spiderman in order to obtain it.

Game 2: The sinister genius of picking two items from the RV section

This game took place on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was me and Jen versus Melis and Eric (the drama tech director). I cannot imagine what fun Melis had with such a partner as Eric. He’s an overly-dramatic delight. Words cannot express it.

Family members who read this, if you think I’m a drama queen, I shudder to imagine what superlatives you’d have to employ to describe Eric.

Friends who read this, you already know that I am nowhere near the drama queeniest person in The Group, and must be thinking, “Allison’s family doesn’t know from drama queens if they think she’s one.” But just imagine this: a cross between Chris and Melissa, with a healthy dash of Amanda added in. That’s Eric. I know, right?

We took off from the melons, as per usual. Jen and I started out so strong. We put back four items in the first five minutes. If you’ve never played the game, I assure you this is an astounding pace. We were pumped! Well, our pace screeched to a halt with a pack of Pez, and for the next hour we only found two more items.

Melis and Eric employed a sinister tactic: choosing two items near each other. It’s risky, but in this case it worked. We didn’t notice the funnels in the RV aisle after we found the hose elbow just a few inches away. Same with the Pez and toothpaste squeezies. By the end, I was so tired and hungry, I was praying for someone, anyone to win so we could go get crappy food at Denny’s. However, I took solace in the knowledge that our decorative tray from Lawn and Garden had provided our competitors with a modicum of frustration.

It was 5 AM ‘til we got to bed. I slept ‘til 1 PM because I do not have a two year-old to take care of. Sorry, Jen.

Liz, you will glory in the knowledge that I was soundly and surely beaten this time. I think I just heard you cackle with glee.

Also, we thought that several Wal-Mart staffers suspected we were up to shenanigans, so it’s a good thing our next game will be in Norristown when we visit Aunt Linda and Uncle Giz.

Ya hear that, Lex? Game on!

Say it! Say Team Ramrod!

Last night Amanda, Jess, Kevin, J, Jen T, and I formed Team Ramrod and took the Windber Hotel trivia night by storm. Beer steak was ordered! Blueberry beer was consumed! Questions were answered!

Amanda and I knew a football question (answer: Tom Landry) and we were pretty pleased with ourselves. J knew that Hank Hill’s dog was named Ladybird. Jen T busted out her Spanish skills. Round three was all Pennsylvania trivia, and Jess and Kev were elated. Apparently, they’re PA trivia freaks. Sure, most Pennsylvanians know the state flower is the mountain laurel and the state bird is the ruffed grouse. But did you know the state drink is milk and the state fish is the brook trout? Jess and Kevin did. They also knew the Great Dane is the state dog and eagerly awaited that question, but it didn’t come. Alas.

We finished in third place, just two points behind the first place team. Our prize was a five dollar gift certificate which we will apply to an appetizer at the next trivia night. We then proceeded to The Ranger for some celebratory ice cream.

Then we spent 90 minutes trying to break into the car of three kids from Florida who had locked themselves out, only to watch the AAA guy do it in 23 seconds. I really must learn how to pick locks.

No, thanks. Thirty's plenty.

So, my mom and my sisters sat down for a friendly game of 31 this afternoon. After taking her turn, my mother knocked, forgetting that you can’t do that if you’ve taken your turn. So we all knew she was going to knock the next time around. In fact, when Jen picked up a card, mom hovered her closed hand a few inches above the table, ready to knock the moment Jen discarded.

And she did, the very moment Jen discarded.

A Queen of hearts.

Which you’d probably want to pick up if you were holding the Ace, King, and nine of hearts.

Which mom was.

He’s how it went down: she knocked, she saw the queen, she screamed in horror, she collapsed on the kitchen floor. Her daughters broke into hysterics. Of course, I reached for the camera, because, well, obviously.

If you don’t know how to play 31, get someone to explain it to you so you can delight in this story.

Went to see Eclipse last night...

"Just try to take me seriously. I dare you."

Amanda's in town so we went to see Eclipse with Jess and Brandy. It was hilarious and there was much giggling. Before it was all over we were certain we were going to get jumped in the parking lot by a band of outraged fifteen-year-olds. (We didn't. But we could have.)

Particularly laughable moments:

Edward still looks like he sprayed his face with baking flour and then got into my make-up bag and stole all my Juicy Tubes. The effect is clown-like, and therefore I could not take him seriously even if Pattinson could act, which he cannot.

Kristen Stewart's scenes were accompanied, as usual, by the audience's collective plea to "Emote! For the love of decency, emote!" She refused.

I still cackle like a hyena whenever Jasper comes on screen, which is unfortunate because he has a lot more screen time in this one. But the hair. Oh, the hair. How can I be expected to retain my composure?

Speaking of hair, they finally colored Rosalie's brunette roots, but left her super-dark eyebrows, which look even darker now that her roots are blond. The effect is so distracting, I couldn't pay attention to anything the actress said. I doubt I missed anything important.

The ring. Hideous. A collective cry of horror arose from our aisle when he opened the box.

Finally, you know you're old when you think the dad is the most attractive man in the movie. What? Chief Swan's a handsome fella. Don't judge me.

This is the state of things.

Vacation is almost over.

I live in the Eastern Standard Time zone, but I am currently on the sleep schedule of someone seven hours behind the Eastern Standard Time zone.

I just put on the same loungey clothes I was wearing last night.

I can no longer be responsible for my hair.

Monday morning is going to be rough.

Let's slip away, under the cover of afternoon, in the biggest car in the county.

"Does this disaffected yet tragic expression make my hips look big?"

I have secured a copy of the New Moon DVD and plan to watch it over vacation, MST3K-style. Who's coming with me?