A Tale of Two Wal-Mart Games

Game 1: Attention: Unintentional cheating in aisle 7

So July vacation = Wal-Mart game grudge match.

I had been bragging about being the only undefeated cousin, so people were out to get me. I’m not going to name any names (Liz) but there was a target on my back. Since we had nine people, we split into three teams, after an obligatory Sheetz run for mac n' cheese and the like. We had three newbies, and their names all began with M.

Team 1: Ali, Alexa, and Megan
Team 2: Zack, Jackie, and Maggie
Team 3: Liz, Kris, and Melis

First, let me say that Megan has spent a lot of time in the Wal-Mart, because she knew stuff like the child's decorative frame kit goes in Hardware. Also, kudos to Team 3 on choosing the menorah candles. That gave us some trouble until I reasoned that since the virgin Mary candles are in the Hispanic food section, we needed to look for a Jewish food section. Did you know the J-town Wal-Mart has a Jewish food section? Neither did I. But when we spotted the gifelte fish and matzo, Alexa started doing high kicks of joy.

The real kicker was a Hannah Montana pedicure kit. What made it so maddening was that there are displays of Hannah Montana merch ALL OVER that store. Miley Cyrus is truly taking over Wal-Mart, which is step 1 in taking over the world. We finally found it by the purses. The purses! Explain to me the logic!

We made it back to the melons and were elated to call the other teams in, but we weren't sure if we had won yet. Because there were three teams, we had devised a point system in which you got two points for every item put back and one point for every item left in the cart of the team who got our stuff. When we tallied it up, we were tied with Team 2. But then the real craziness began.

Team 2 held aloft their one remaining item, a blue travel cup, and demanded to know from whence it had come. When we told them Automotive, they said they had been there and seen similar blue cups, but not an exact match. We began to wonder if we had unintentionally cheated but then Team 3 stepped forward and produced a bike rack, claiming that they had found many similar boxes containing tire racks, but no bike racks.

We headed, en masse, to Automotive and Lawn and Garden and discovered that Teams 1 and 2 had accidentally chosen items of evil and cheatiness, causing Teams 2 and 3 to go on the proverbial wild goose chase. Since it was impossible to decide how much time had been wasted on the items of evil and cheatiness, the game was declared a draw.

Zack thought his team should have won because there were still four items left in the cart he had given to Team 3, but Team 3 had wasted at least 30 minutes looking for the bike rack that wasn't there. If you ask me, I think if anyone should get the W, it's Team 3 since they're the only ones who didn't cheat. But to end with four items in your cart, frustration over the bike rack, and no final rush to the melons, is a sucky way to "win."

Overall it was a weird game and our newbies didn't really get a good idea of the awesomeness of the Wal-Mart game. Next time, Gadget. Next time.

And then, full disclosure, I stayed 'til 4AM and shopped my butt off because the place was deserted and peaceful. I could not resist.

Oh, and by the way, Team 2's item of evil and cheatiness was located fifteen feet in the air, atop a shelf which Zack scaled like Spiderman in order to obtain it.

Game 2: The sinister genius of picking two items from the RV section

This game took place on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was me and Jen versus Melis and Eric (the drama tech director). I cannot imagine what fun Melis had with such a partner as Eric. He’s an overly-dramatic delight. Words cannot express it.

Family members who read this, if you think I’m a drama queen, I shudder to imagine what superlatives you’d have to employ to describe Eric.

Friends who read this, you already know that I am nowhere near the drama queeniest person in The Group, and must be thinking, “Allison’s family doesn’t know from drama queens if they think she’s one.” But just imagine this: a cross between Chris and Melissa, with a healthy dash of Amanda added in. That’s Eric. I know, right?

We took off from the melons, as per usual. Jen and I started out so strong. We put back four items in the first five minutes. If you’ve never played the game, I assure you this is an astounding pace. We were pumped! Well, our pace screeched to a halt with a pack of Pez, and for the next hour we only found two more items.

Melis and Eric employed a sinister tactic: choosing two items near each other. It’s risky, but in this case it worked. We didn’t notice the funnels in the RV aisle after we found the hose elbow just a few inches away. Same with the Pez and toothpaste squeezies. By the end, I was so tired and hungry, I was praying for someone, anyone to win so we could go get crappy food at Denny’s. However, I took solace in the knowledge that our decorative tray from Lawn and Garden had provided our competitors with a modicum of frustration.

It was 5 AM ‘til we got to bed. I slept ‘til 1 PM because I do not have a two year-old to take care of. Sorry, Jen.

Liz, you will glory in the knowledge that I was soundly and surely beaten this time. I think I just heard you cackle with glee.

Also, we thought that several Wal-Mart staffers suspected we were up to shenanigans, so it’s a good thing our next game will be in Norristown when we visit Aunt Linda and Uncle Giz.

Ya hear that, Lex? Game on!