Oscar Round-up Part II: The Clothes

The dresses were a bit of a letdown this year because nobody was out-of-this-world spectacular and, even more disappointing, nobody was completely hideous, although Anna Kendrick did her level best. Let’s start with what I liked…

Dresses I enjoyed:

Amy Adams

Some may have thought this color was too conservative, but I say Ms. Adams knows what goes with her hair, and she works it. I think I'd give this Best Dressed. For me, it comes down to the fit. This is like the proverbial glove.

Adele Dazeem

Once again, great fit, and I like to think this was Idina's subtle nod to Elphaba. Also loving the necklace/bracelet combo and her understated make-up. Wish they had caught her smiling, but she was probably thinking, "I'm about to sing in front of a billion people. That is slightly larger than the crowd at the Gershwin Theater." Props for not barfing.

Gabourey Sidibe

I love this color (I am always drawn to jewel tones and Gaby should be as well) and the ruching (Is this ruching? I am not Tim Gunn) and the belt. Love it all.

Jennifer Lawrence

There was grumbling at my Oscar party about the fabric at the hip, but I like it. It gives the dress that little certain something. I also loved her hair and the way she had her necklace draped down her back. But, truth be told, she is so likeable she could have come in that Gwyneth Paltrow pink prom dress monstrosity and I'd have found something nice to say. So kind of her to just show up looking great and not make me work for it.

Laura Dern

Laura Dern doesn't get a lot of play in the fashion arena and I think that's a shame. She almost always looks great because she knows how to dress her body type. Or she employs a stylist who knows how to dress her body type. Remember when she wore that sparkly green number? Oh, how I loved it. This is pretty great, too.

Chiwetel Ejiofor's wife/girlfriend/gal pal

It's a rare woman who can pull off satin because that stuff will wrinkle on you if you look at it sideways (perhaps she laid flat in the limo on the way over?), but this is lovely. And the color! The only note I have is that she should be dripping in sapphires. In platinum art deco settings. But that is all. This is lovely.

Jennifer Garner, not impressing me.

When I first saw this, I was not interested...

You have my attention.

But then she moved and the dress did this and I was like, "Yes!" She's like Daisy Buchanan, if Daisy Buchanan lived in a modern setting and was remotely likeable.

Lupita Nyong'o

We all knew she would crown this glorious awards season fashion coup with something remarkable. Personally, I prefer her in jewel tones, but it's hard to complain with a skirt that does the things this one does. She was the undisputed queen of the red carpet this year, and she wore her crown (headband?) with grace.

This dress was made for ascending staircases.

The swing! The twirl! The Disney Princess of it all!

Accessories I enjoyed:

Charlize Theron's necklace

I'm surprised that diamond didn't throw off her center of balance and make her crash to floor. Actually, we've no way of knowing that it didn't. In fact, I'm filming that scene in my head right now, and it's hilarious. "Clutching for purchase as she goes down, she's able to grasp a wisp of Jared Leto's hair, but alas! it's too silky and it slips from her fingers. Splat." And scene!

Jennifer Garner's bag and jewels

Remember what I said about Daisy Buchanan? Indeed.

Jennifer Lawrence's purse

It's looks like a beautiful, rectangular disco ball. I want.

Naomi Watts' purse

I also want.

Johnny Weir's shoes

Okay, these are ridiculous, but don't they just remind you of the fabulous little slippers on the dead Pope at St. Peter's? Any of my fellow Italy travelers remember that? Good times.

Dresses I did not enjoy:

Sally Hawkins

It's like that scene in Reality Bites where Ethan Hawke tells Winona Ryder that she looks like a doily. Except she was only going on a date with Ben Stiller and not to an event where a billion people would be interested in what she was wearing.

Julia Roberts

See what I mean about the bad dresses being disappointing this year? Even the bad stuff isn't all that horrendous. But still, she usually looks so much better, and this looks like Victorian funeral garb, except trampy.

Angelina Jolie

For someone who seems so vampy, she often dresses so matronly. I hated pretty much everything about this. It's one of those dresses that makes me think, What made you look in the mirror and say, "this is the one"? See also, that hideous goth thing Gwyneth Paltrow wore that one time which caused a fashion reviewer to call her Gwyneth "Chicken Cutlet" Paltrow. (I'm really being hard on her tonight, and she wasn't even there.)

Anna Kendrick

Oh, Anna. You are far too young and lovely to be wearing this. I can see how someone might have thought this would be good in theory. A drapey black skirt can be good. A leg slit can be good. Red sparklies can be good. A diagonal top can be good. But that doesn't mean you have to toss it all together like some last minute Project Runway piece and just hope you can "make it work!" 

This looked even worse when she came out on stage. Good thing the Oscars don't allow their footage up on YouTube. She only has to worry about this being remembered in still photography.

And that's a wrap. Until next year, everyone.

Oscar Round-up Part I: The Show

This is horribly late because I am crazy busy in my life right now (and the state of my apartment confirms this) so I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't even interested anymore, but here's the first part of the Oscar round-up.

We had our annual Oscar party. The party prizes this year were chocolates (like Elsa and Anna wanted to stuff in their faces at the Coronation Day party), Astronaut ice cream (like Sandra Bullock might have enjoyed before everything went awry with her space walk), and fake mustaches (straight off the faces of the American Hustle cast). This year, Julia did indeed want my candy prizes.

Jennifer won all of the pre-show games. The Name the Oscar Gown quiz, the Best Picture Whittle-down game, the Movie Quote quiz, she won them ALL, even though Eric had crammed. And as her prize-haul grew, so did the other guests’ resentment. As the show started, with only Oscar Bingo and the Award Poll to go, it was on!

Spoiler alert! In the end, she won those as well, but it was fun to watch others try to complete Bingo too, and get in on some of those sweet, sweet mustaches.

Moments we enjoyed:

JLaw. So relate-able.

Jennifer Lawrence biting it on the red carpet, just as I would have done. 

Pharrell's performance of Happy, which just got better and better as it went on.

"They're never going to give me one of these, are they?"

Imagining what poor Leo was thinking when Best Actor was announced.

Keep tight inside of it! Its magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want it so badly.

P!nk, singing "Over the Rainbow" while dressed as a ruby slipper.

The Best Song winners giving a rhyming speech. "Idina Menzel, Kristen Bell..."

Jamie Foxx scoring the presentation to Best Score with his rendition of the Chariots of Fire theme.

Lupita winning a much-deserved Oscar.

The selfie.

I had one job. And I'm blowing it.

Travolta and his "Adele Dazeem." What an idiot.

Oh, she is magnificent.

Darlene Love, singing her acceptance speech for Best Doc, and getting a rousing standing O.

Steve McQueen literally jumping for joy when 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture. Good for you, sir.

Other amusing moments came when we were all trying desperately to win Bingo after Jennifer had won twice and Julia had won as well. All I needed for Oscar bingo was “five or more people go one stage to accept an award.” During the 20 Feet from Stardom acceptance, four people went onstage and talked about their fellow producer, Gil, who died a few weeks before. So, this happened:

Ali: If Gil was alive I’d have bingo! 

Melis: That is awful! 

Ali: I know. I’m a terrible person. 

Melis: That makes Jennifer’s “I need someone to trip” seem much better by comparison.

And this...

An exasperated Eric was waiting to cross off "Goldie Hawn presents an Oscar" to win Bingo. When I told him that he could just have a prize without winning Bingo, he exclaimed, "No, I don’t want the candy prizes if I didn’t win them!"  

Later, when Ms. Hawn came onstage to introduce a segment this went down:

Eric: Goldie Hawn is presenting in my mind. 

Ali: Really, she’s not. 

Eric: Pass me the PRIZES!

(Jennifer crawls out from under her mountain of prizes to pass the prize basket to Eric. He accepts with mild disgust.)

Or, the time my mother was like a TMZ reporter...

Jen: Who is Bradley Cooper there with? 

Ali: Oh, I have no idea. 

Mom: He's dating a 21-year-old model. 

Ali: Who ARE you? 

Or the time she was... not. 

Ali: I can't believe Jordan Catalano is about to get an Oscar. 

(They announce Jared Leto's name.) 

Mom: What? Did you think he deserved it more than this guy? 

Melis: (entering from the kitchen) I can't believe Jordan Catalano just got an Oscar.

Next up: The Clothes!

The simplest terms, the most convenient definitions.

Thirty (fictitious) years ago today, a brain, an athlete, a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal walked into Shermer High School to serve a day of detention. In their honor, I spent the evening watching one of John Hughes’ masterpieces.

Something I noticed was how many lines from this movie I still quote on a regular basis. These include:

You keep eating your hand, you’re not gonna be hungry for lunch. (Said often to teething babies.)

Could you describe the ruckus, sir? (You’d be surprised how often I can work this into a conversation.)

You mess with the bull, young man, you get the horns. (Inflection is key here.)

Do you think I’d speak for you? I don’t even know your language. (Said in response to “Speak for yourself.” Every time.)

I’m not that pristine. (Many uses.)

Screws fall out all the time; the world’s an imperfect place. (Sometimes I just say it to myself when things are not going well.)

Sadly, I rarely get the chance to ask this: Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Still one of the best lines of dialog ever written.

It’s March 24th. Settle in, make yourself a pixie stix/Cap’n Crunch sandwich, and write a 1,000-word essay on who you think you are. 

And I do not mean a single word repeated 1,000 times.

"See you later" should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, and no more.

Before we went to Spain, I did a bunch of research. I learned about tapas and Kristen warned us all about the cult of jamon. Ever wonder what foreigners are told before visiting us?

Here's a little of what an inquisitive Japanese traveler might encounter.

If you put your bent middle and index fingers of both hands in the air, you are making finger quotation marks. It means you do not believe what you are saying.

And what the Russians are saying, aside from "Butt out of what we're illegally doing in Crimea!"

Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.

Bon voyage to us all!

Sher-choc-olate chip?

I really hope one of Benedict Cumberbatch's friends or cousins or whatever bought this for him.

Because if there's a cookie cutter of your face, out there, on Etsy, I feel like you should own one.

And yes, I'm filing this under my "Baking" label.