Oscar Round-up Part I: The Clothes

So, Oscar night finally arrived. We had a delightful Oscar party with Oscar Bingo and trivia games. A good time was had by all and Eric tied with me to win the Oscar pool. No bets were lost or plastic cups eaten, although Julia was sad that the prizes were chocolate-covered pretzels and not toys and finally declared to me, "No one wants your candy prizes!" 

Let's start with the clothes, shall we?

Looks I loved: 

Michelle Obama

Even though I can't see the full length, I'm going to declare Mrs. Obama the best dressed of the evening. I thought it was cool that she announced Best Picture, as it's nice to see our leaders supporting the arts. To those who thought it was a cheap political grab, I'd point out that First Lady Laura Bush and President Reagan made Oscar appearances during their respective administrations. Also, handing out Best Pic is the least of the goodies I'd request if I were First Lady. Other demands I'd make include a private concert by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, a ride on the Space Shuttle (What’s that you say? It’s retired? Not anymore, baby.), a lifetime supply of quadruple-stuffed Oreos (don't tell me the Nabisco company can't make this happen), and a life-size re-creation of Bag End.

I'm pretty sure the press would soon refer to me as "Imelda."

But the dress! Oh, the dress. The art deco sparkling magnificence. She looks like the Chrysler Building and I mean that in the best possible way.

Jessica Chastain

Jessica Chastain is perhaps tied for Best Dressed. The fit. The bronzey color. The shimmer. It is perfection. And my envy of her hair continues.

Naomi Watts

When I first saw it, I didn’t like it. I’m not one for cut-outs and very structured-looking gowns. But, much like Napoleon Dynamite, the more I saw it the more I liked it and now I think I love it.

Kerry Washington

Okay, she’s so gorgeous that the dress barely even matters. But even so, the color is amazing and she really stood out.

Jennifer Garner

A lot of people hated this. I think it’s lovely. The color is great, it fits like a dream, and the fabric on those ruffles makes me want to bake a cake and decorate it with buttercream (I mean that as a compliment.) I don’t know how much fun the ruffles were to sit on, but they looked lovely.

Jennifer Garner and handsome accessory

Also, I loved her necklace and her husband is so cute and can really rock a scruffy beard and wore the cutest vest with his tux and all of these things just add up to me putting her/them on the best dressed list.

Jennifer Lawrence

That skirt is ridiculous. It needs its own limo. Of course it tripped you on the stairs. How could it not? And I love it anyway. Jennifer Lawrence is such a delight, she makes this unwieldy thing work.

Jennifer Lawrence's team of dress wranglers

Jennifer Lawrence's skirt, which is, even now, planning to trip her on the stairs.

I mean, it looks like a horrendous pain to actually wear. It reminds me of Princess Di’s wedding dress in that the dress is wearing you and not the other way around. It requires a team of people to get it down the red carpet. It is madness. But it’s a pure fantasy dream dress, and that seems appropriate for an insanely likeable and talented 22 year-old who is getting a Best Actress Oscar.

Charlize Theron

Just crazy gorgeous. I also loved the dress she wore to dance with Channing Tatum in the opening. That skirt had the perfect swing for a waltz.

Halle Berry

She can rarely do wrong. This is so sparkly and so 80s-fabulous; two things I love completely.

Zoe Saldana

Love it. Love everything about it.

Quvenzhané Wallis

You guys, Quvenzhané Wallis is carrying a purse dog. She is wonderful.



Looks I loathed:

Anne Hathaway

Satin, man. Bad idea. It’s wrinkly already and you haven’t even darkened the theater’s doorstep. It looks like something that would get paraded down the Project Runway strip and then Nina Garcia would level her icy gaze upon it and say, “It looks cheap.” And that terrifying woman would be right.

Also, what is with the darting at the bust? Insert obligatory “I had a dream this dress would beeeeeeee so different from…” joke here.

Anne Hathaway's necklace, which is too good for this crap.

One thing I did love, though, was that necklace and how the diamonds dripped down the back. I'll take two, please.

Melissa McCarthy

Oh, why this color? Why this hair? I like her so much, from all the way back to the hilariously flustered Sookie St. James on Gilmore Girls, but this is just no good.

Olivia Munn

This could have been so great, except that it clearly does not fit. We all know it and it’s fooling no one. Double-sided tape couldn’t even make you feel secure in this situation. I just hope she didn’t have to reach for anything during the evening.

Two young people, only one of whom owns a comb.

Kristen! Do you own a brush? Do you know how to run it through your hair? No big. This only the ACADEMY AWARDS. That crack den look does not make you an interesting person. And hike up your dress.

Naomie Harris, Bond Girl and exhibitionist

WHAT is going on here! Did the dress slit rip higher (much higher) than it was originally? Is she wearing sparkly underpants that were designed to be shown off with the dress? How is ABC not getting fined by the FCC right now?


Looks I was undecided on:

Jane Fonda

I’m not sure about this. On one hand, it fits great and looks straight out of a Dynasty catfight (I mean that in the very best way), but on the other hand I can’t really appreciate those qualities when I’m being blinded by the color.

Nicole Kidman

When I saw it onscreen I really liked it, but now I'm wondering if I was just led astray by sequins (wouldn't be the first time) and if it's perhaps not too Vegas-y for the Oscars. All that gold on the bottom is throwing me.

Fan Bingbing

I don’t know who Fan Bingbing is (but I feel like James would). A lot of people loved this dress but I am skeptical for two reasons: It is satin and thus undoubtedly looked like a hiker’s anorak by the end of the evening, and it looks remarkably similar to a dress my Barbies owned during the Reagan Administration. If you’re going to recreate a Barbie ensemble, definitely go for the Peaches and Cream gown.


Next Up: The actual show...