An open letter to several members of the NFL

Dear Matt Cassel,

You may genuinely be unaware of this, but one of your teammates is the league's top receiver. No, not him; the other guy. The one with a big 81 on his jersey. And here's the thing, he's on my roster and I really need him to get me some points so please, for the love of decency, you wretched little brat, throw to him!

Dear Randy Moss,

I don't know if you kicked Matt Cassel's dog or just stole his hair gel, but he's not throwing to you so much. So, when he does actually throw to you, do try not to drop the ball like it's a candied ham. Butterfingers!

Dear Hines,

Carry on, sir, just as you were. XOXO

That's not your mother, that's a man, baby.

Someone on the spamverse thinks I’m a dude. More specifically, a dude named Jack. I keep getting spam with the subject line, “Jack, find great singles in your area” or “Jack, take online surveys for cash” or “Jack, buy cheap Viagra here!” (Apparently Jack has problems of his own.)

Has someone been messing with my email, joining mailing lists and giving the name Jack? It wouldn’t be the first time somebody messed with me like that. Oh yeah, I’m looking right at you, Kristen!

Thank you, Marques Colston’s thumb…

…or, more specifically, Marques Colston’s thumb ligament, for just not being able to hang on. Why am I thanking a total stranger’s connective tissues, you ask? Because I drafted Jeremy Shockey. Colston (sorry about this, Josh) is out for 4 – 6 weeks, and while this would concern me, as my starting quarterback is Drew Brees, I’m too tickled by the analysis of the New Orleans Times-Picayune:

Colston's injury puts the Saints in a bind since he is arguably their most reliable and effective offensive weapon. But they do have some depth at the position, with five other receivers on the roster, plus new tight end Jeremy Shockey, who can catch some of those third-down and red-zone passes that usually go Colston's way.

Red zone passes, baby!

Drew, I’m going to have to ask that you throw to Jeremy. A lot. We have an excellent working relationship, so I’m sure you will indulge me.

I am on 13 hours of sleep, here

To those of you who called me last night, sorry. I went home and crawled into bed at 5:45 PM. Apparently all those nights of staying up till 3 and 4 reading Twilight books have finally caught up with me.

I am super peppy today, though. I'm very, very awake. Like, too awake. I think sleepiness suits me better.

I love it when a plan comes together

Dear Packers Defense,


Love,

Ali

I drink from the keg of glory

Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the mornin', people, victory is mine. I drink from the keg of glory. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in the land. -Josh Lyman

So, this weekend was the first of the NFL season and, consequently, the Fantasy Football season. Imagine my horror when I learned that I'd be going head to head with Melis, The Queen of Football. I was pretty much resigned to losing. Imagine then my surprise, nay, my shock, when I found that not only was I winning the match-up, I was kicking butt! This Fantasy Football thing is so much fun! Not only did I win head to head, but I'm currently leading Jonas by five points for the overall victory this week. Now I just have to hope that my Green Bay defense can hold out against Jonas' Vikings defense tonight so I can clinch the immunity prize for next week's Survivor competition. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just know that I had a fabulous start to my FF career. I'd like to thank the Academy, Melis for giving me advice despite the fact that she was my opponent, Drew Brees for having such a stellar game, Randy Moss for catching so many passes, Hines Ward for doing the same and being so adorable while doing it, and Jamal Lewis' hamstring for not snapping like an old rubber band.

And I'd like to send condolences to Mark, who drafted Tom Brady in our league, and whose FF hopes collapsed yesterday, much like the structure of that young man's knee. I hope Bill Belichick's bad cheater karma doesn't take out his wide receivers next. Stay healthy, Randy!

Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, you can't always get what you want.

So, this weekend I had my first Fantasy Football draft. I was the tenth to pick out of ten people, and also I am an ignoramus in matters of football, so I didn't get an elite running back, but I did get an excellent wide receiver (Randy Moss). My top RB is Jamal Lewis, and I appreciate everyone's prayers for his hamstring, whatever your reservations are in sending good thoughts in the direction of the Cleveland Browns.

I also hit a few snags, namely choosing a dude on the injured reserve list (read: "out for the season") and a dude who is apparently a raging lunatic psycho who beats people and now has legal troubles (read: "out for the season and possibly in jail"), but aside from these missteps, I had a fabulous time in my first draft. Next year, I will do more research and weed out the Russell Crowes of the NFL before drafting.

Oh, and today I went to Yahoo and one of their top stories was "NFL player shot, in critical condition," and my first thought was, "Oh, please don't let him be on my roster."

To paraphrase the divine Jane Austen, Fantasy Football has made me sick and wicked.