I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.

Last night I dreamt that a giraffe got loose from the zoo, got onto my enclosed porch, and trashed it. Flower vases smashed, chrysanthemums eaten, ceramic garden stool tossed to the wind, and my Nikon D40, with lenses, totally smooshed.

What did I take away from this? I feel like an irresponsible camera owner who left her D40 out in the path of maniacal giraffes. I'm certain James will chastise me.

So long, Coach. I love you, but I love my sanity more.

My dreams of an October TV date with the Taylors have been smashed. I was recently delighted to order DirecTV, until my dealings with six different customer service representatives convinced me that everyone at that company is on the crack. Each new person I spoke to contradicted what the last had told me and sometimes even themselves, culminating in a conversation in which I asked the same question five times in a row, was ignored or given false answers, and was forced to ask the customer service rep, “Am I not speaking ENGLISH right now?” When I asked her to cancel my order, I very politely told her I would need an email confirmation because I couldn’t believe a word she had told me. Or, you know, as politely as you can insinuate a person is a big honking liar. But! Two days later, no email confirmation. So, ha!

What an appalling experience.

So, I was very upset about my satellite TV options, which is one of the stupidest things in life that a person could be upset about. And the universe has driven that point home. Yesterday I heard a radio program about a woman dealing with an infestation of bedbugs, received an email from a guy who does not know how to properly use an apostrophe, and saw a girl go out in public in an extremely unfortunate hot pink polyester mini-dress that was 100 percent wrong for her figure. Clearly other people have bigger problems than I, so I need to just check out the Dish Network and shut up.

Also, I remembered that Uncle Jimmy has DirecTV, and a DVR that he said I could use any time. So maybe I will be having dinner with the Taylors in October after all.

Happy Birthday, Jen

Today is Jen's birthday. We're having roast turkey with all the trimmings to celebrate, which I think is a pretty fantastic way to celebrate someone we love. Happy Birthday, Jen.

Ali, in the Kitchen, with the Spatula

Tonight Mom, Melis, Jen, and I went to Westwood for Great Cheap Dates and to see Julie and Julia. What a wonderful film! It made me want to cook. With meat. Can you believe that?

I came right home and baked some chocolate chip cookies. It wasn't anything terribly complex or even anything I hadn't made before, but I really wanted to be in the kitchen and to get my hands on some butter. If you learn nothing else from Julia Child, you learn that butter is a wonderous, magical substance that makes everything better than it was before. Ironic then, that Melis sat three seats down from me, munching on butterless popcorn. What a waste.

I also made some spaghetti sqaush for lunch today. Look how pretty it is:

Yum.

Tonight's delicious dinner...

...is hibachi-style fried rice, courtesy of Liz and Zack's awesome recipe. They made us a fabulous hibachi meal when Kris and I visited this weekend. I wanted to be buried in a pile of that rice so I could eat my way out. Thanks, guys.

So long, cable. Hello, Coach Taylor.

I just signed up for DirecTV. This is awesome because not only will I get a ton more channels, many in HD, for less money, and finally be able to DVR shows instead of shamefully being tied to the archaic VCR, but more importantly I will be watching season 4 of Friday Night Lights NEXT MONTH (!) instead of waiting for the viciously cruel summer of 2010 premiere. I must confess this is 95% of the reason I chose DirecTV. The siren song of the new East Dillon football team...

October 28th, baby! Me and Coach and Tami. It's gonna be awesome.

These childish tantrums will not stand!

My landlord has placed the following note on our building's mailbox:

Mailman,

Your childish TANTRUMS by shoving the mail into my box and crumpling it into a ball had best not happen again or I will videotape the behavior and lodge a formal complaint.

The words "TANTRUMS" and "ball" are double-underlined.

I can't help but think that he probably crumpled the mail first and then shoved it into the box. But when you're mad enough the capitalize and underline a word, you're probably not thinking about the chronology of the events.