There's a reason William Shatner's face wigs me out

So, I was in Gallina’s yesterday, waiting to pick up my lunch (Buffalo chicken salad, extra Buffalo sauce), when suddenly the theme music from John Carpenter’s classic horror film Halloween filled my ears. I recoiled and started looking around me like a schizophrenic who is hearing voices for the first time since she went off her meds. I was searching for the source of the music and wondering if I was just imagining it. It turns out that the final jump into the abyss of insanity that I have been anticipating for so long had not come at last. It was just the cell phone ringtone of some sicko two tables away. As I tried to recover my composure, the old man next to me in the takeout line regarded me with caution while he mentally mapped out his exit strategy.

You may recall that this is not the first time I’ve been startled by a Halloween theme music ringtone. A few years ago I was browsing in a small bookshop in Greenwich Village when that ringtone sounded, causing me to drop my book and hastily exit the store. This was in daylight, people. That music is so frightening, so disturbing, so inherently wrong that I cannot maintain any sort of self-possession in its presence. Please, for the love of decency, Americans, STOP choosing that theme song for your ringtone! Choose something more cheerful, like the Jaws theme or Tubular Bells.