It's back, people. And this time, it’s mobile.

I can tell you this: the skank factor has increased exponentially, something I didn’t even realize was possible. Yes, that’s right. Brett Michaels has returned for a third time, lookin’ for love among the strippers and strumpets of this great land. This season, Brett and his “ladies” will be traveling on a tour bus instead of staying in the tacky LA house that hosted the first two seasons. He has declared that if he doesn’t find love this time, he won’t be trying again. Oh Brett, please, if you don’t periodically subject yourself and twenty other fame-seekers to melodramatic humiliation, where will I get my guilty pleasure TV? I was planning on watching Rock of Love: Nursing Home Edition in thirty years.

Let’s get right to it. Brett greets his twenty potential soul mates and he is delighted to be standing before “this much beauty.” Brett and I differ on the definition of the word beauty. My definition includes neither collagen nor silicone.

Also returning? My favorite, Big John! He’s Brett’s true rock, as he keeps Brett sane, gets him to his shows on time, and breaks up any trampy catfights that happen to arise. I hope he’s well paid. Big John has lost some weight, cut his hair, and he’s looking downright adorable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know why these girls don’t ditch Brett and start going after him. Oh, maybe this is why:

“I’m a little bit not too smart, but it’s okay.” –Brittanya, Rock of Love Bus contestant

A little sampling of Brittanya’s competitors:
Contestant #1: Adult film star.
Contestant #3: Imagine Daisy of season 2, but three times more terrifying, and rapping (badly) with notes written on the back of STD pamphlets. Yeah, you read that correctly.
Contestant # 4: Transsexual, perhaps?
Contestant # 6: Certified lion tamer.
Contestant # 7: A new-age belly dancer from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains with a Master’s Degree in Storytelling. I love VH-1!

And now, for the interview portion of the evening.

A woman named Samantha steps up and mentions that she gets terribly carsick in all types of moving vehicles. Well, that shouldn’t pose a problem for a show taking place entirely on a tour bus. On second thought, I imagine there will be so much vomiting going on, she’ll fit right in.

Next, the porn star takes a moment to decry our nation’s non-acceptance of pornography, spouting, “America’s pretty messed up that way.” Well, I certainly feel chastened. How about you?

Finally, a terrifying woman, shellacked in make-up, steps up to the camera and Brett declares that she’s, “beautiful in a Juliette Lewis kind of way.”


Umm, what way would that be, Brett?

I will tell you this, she speaks just like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, but that might just be the collagen talking.


I bet she wouldn’t bring you your chapstick either.

In the end, Brett dumps five of the girls, including terrifying Daisy 2.0, but he keeps the porn star, so she’ll be back to lecture us again next week. I’m just praying Heather makes a guest appearance.