Yeah, we know he died 700 years ago. Just go with it.

Oh my gosh, you guys, I’m watching the Showtime show The Tudors right now, and it’s making me nuts. I was really excited to Netflix this show because I love Tudor history. I’ve watched two episodes thus far, and I now realize the last person who should watch this show is someone who loves Tudor history. These people are making radical departures from historical fact, for the mere amusement of it. They are the Oliver Stone of British television.

The show opens with King Henry’s uncle being murdered. But all of Henry’s uncles were long dead by this point, and were hardly to be expected to rise from the grave just to be stabbed by a bunch of French dudes. I was so confused and I expended a significant amount of mental energy trying to figure out what the year was supposed to be, only to realize that they were jumping around, at will, to events that occurred anytime in a 20 year period. Infuriating!

Zombie uncles were the least of my problems. Daughters and husbands who never existed were crawling out of the woodwork. Princes were called by their siblings’ names because apparently nobody on this show knows how to access the Wikipedia. The daughter of Henry’s younger sister looked to be about his age. Or older! She must have been conceived while her mother was still in the womb.

Henry had an older sister who married the King of Scotland and a younger sister who married the King of France. They merged these women into one character and had her marry… who else? The King of Portugal! Yeah, that makes sense. And let me tell you what, they’re going to regret that later when they need all that English-Scottish “We’re family but we’re enemies” tension.

One character said, “My father was executed by the king’s father,” and I’m screaming at the TV, “No, he wasn’t! Nobody executed your father! Your father was not executed!” And that was only one of many things I was shouting at my screen as my neighbors surely debated whether to pound on the walls or just try to have me committed. Others:

“Just establish what year it is. Just give me a year. Please, for the love of decency, give me a year here!”

“Why is she talking about her husband? She’s not supposed to be married!”

“Dude, you don’t have a daughter named Anne. You have an Elizabeth, a Catherine, and a Mary, but no Anne! Just call her Catherine!”

“Why are they calling him Pope Alexander? They just made up a pope! That is an entirely fictional pope right there.”

At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Charlemagne walked through the front door. This show is not good for my health.