Amanda came home for Easter to surprise her family, so of course we made plans to get together and watch the latest trashy episode of Rock of Love. Our plan to feast on Scott’s By Dam tacos was thwarted by Scott’s being closed for Easter, but we enjoyed hot sausage sandwiches and Polish pizza from Pizza Deli instead.
In this gem of an episode, Bret invited the remaining ladies’ ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands on the show to dig up the real dirt on the girls. I heard about this premise a couple of weeks ago and was praying that Kristy Joe lasted until this week. I’m dying to meet the man who wasn’t certain if they were going through with the divorce, despite the fact that she took out a restraining order against him and the fact that she, you know, went on a reality TV show, the object of which is to fall in love with an aging former rock star. Alas, it was not to be and KJ went home last week, but there was still plenty of fun to be had, most of which came from the long-awaited return of the hideously fabulous Heather!
Oh guys, I can’t believe how much I missed Heather. I couldn’t stand her or her tranny** hair during season 1, but now she’s like a skanky breath of fresh air. With huge tranny hair. It just shows how much this show has gone downhill since the glory days of season 1. These season 2 girls can’t hack it. They can’t hold a candle to Heather. She walks on screen and suddenly all the season 2 girls seem dull and gray. They are ashes and Heather is a big, bright, booze-guzzling sparkler! I adore her!
**This is not tranny in the Christian Siriano sense; i.e. “hot tranny mess.” This is tranny in the sense of actual tranny. To paraphrase the philosopher Steven Tyler, Lady sometimes looks like a dude.
Heather wasted no time digging up all the dirt she could get on these girls. And like utter fools, they told her everything. Everything! Did these half-wits not watch season 1? Amanda and I nearly choked on our Polish pizza when Daisy revealed she still lives with her boyfriend. In a one-bedroom apartment! Then, hilariously, she tried to cry, but the Botox wouldn’t let her move her face, and the collagen made her trembling lips look like two of those water noodles that we float on in Aunt Linda’s pool. It was fantastic.
Also, Bret took the exes to Dave and Buster’s. Skee-ball! Tickets! That, coupled with his Steelers love, makes me think he and I could maybe be friends. Then I remember how much eyeliner he wears, and that thought gets blown out of the Monongahela.
In the end, dumb bimbo Megan got the boot, and it was pretty hilarious. She just stood there like a petulant child, shaking her head, while everyone wondered how many times and ways Bret was going to have to explain to her to get out of the house. I seriously thought he was going to have to have Heather drag Megan out by her hair. Now that would have been classic.
Then Bret announced the best news of all: the group would be leaving, post-haste, for Vegas and THEY’RE TAKING HEATHER WITH THEM! Oh, joy! Rapture! Please let her stay forever!
Next week: Heather, like a fabulous, manipulative cruise director, manages to have all the girls turn on Daisy. There will be screaming. There will be crying. There will be drinks thrown. There may even be some face slapping. I. Cannot. Wait.
I love this horrible trashy show oh help me I love it so much someone bring me some vodka!
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2 comments:
I guess Aunt Linda is pretty famous now. In fact that was the only part of your story I understood. Oh,yeah, and the part about Amanda and you eating. Sorry I missed you, Amanda.
I was sad that I missed you guys, as well, Aunt Linda! Next time we're all in PA, I will definitely stop by!
Allison - thanks for the wonderful gourmet dinner! Yum! Boy, can Troy pick a hot sausage place! hehe
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