Dear Ali,

Recently I was Googling my own name and your blog came up. I was reading through old posts and was intrigued by your disdain for my acting abilities. I'll have you know that acting is a very challenging profession -- I had to stretch myself to heights you've probably never known, and I am insulted by the way you are "skeeved" out by me despite the many movies I have been in that you enjoy. I especially know that you appreciated my role in Stand by Me.

I have decided to hide myself in your apartment and jump out at an appropriate moment. I'll be waiting for you to return . . .

-Kiefer Sutherland