"Coasters! They'll never know where to find coasters!"

This past weekend, I (sort of) broke my Wal-Mart boycott, but it was in the name of a glorious cause: game awesomeness. Zack introduced us to the Wal-Mart Game, something he’s been playing for years. (When you marry into a game-loving family, it’s always a good idea to bring some awesome games of your own to the table. Good show, Zack.) When he described it to us, I knew we had to play, boycott or not.

We gathered the troops. Zack and Liz were leading the charge and of course Kristen and I were all for it. Jackie was very excited to go. Nicole absolutely refused to go with us (boo!) and Jimmy had to be pulled off the couch where he was sound asleep. With six people in tow, we set off to start a new family tradition.

How to play the Wal-Mart game:

Step 1: Choose a 24-hour Wal-Mart and arrive no earlier than 1:00 AM. We arrived at 1:38.

Step 2: Split into two teams. Zack, Jackie, and I took on Liz, Kristen, and Jimmy. If this becomes the family tradition I suspect it will, I envision four or five teams roving the aisles.

Step 3: Take 30 minutes to comb the aisles finding ten items that will be difficult to put back. Avoid obvious places such as the cereal aisle. Feel free to choose feminine hygiene products if the opposing team is all male. Place the ten items in your cart, taking care that the opposing team does not see you in the act of choosing an item. You must be sure that there is at least one identical item left on the shelf after you’ve taken yours.

Step 4: Meet at a pre-arranged location (in our case, the display of citrus fruit) in order to exchange carts. Before the exchange, I suggest a quick bathroom break since you probably stopped at Sheetz on the way there for Cuppocino and Red Bull, even though Red Bull is vile despite what Jackie says.

Step 5: Exchange carts and the game is on! Teams must stay together at all times, and try not to run so fast that they are caught by the manager and thrown out into the dark Pennsylvania night. Whichever team puts away all ten items and arrives back the pre-arranged location first can call the other team on their cell phones and gloat. You may even be so pumped that you want to immediately play another round. Do so, unless the cousin that you dragged off the couch at 1:00 AM declares with bloodshot eyes, “There is no way that is going to happen” and then threatens to lie down on the shelf next to the baking soda unless you take him home right away.

The name of the game is strategy. Liz, Jimmy, and Kristen had us roving aisle after aisle looking for a display of gluten-free soy-based chocolate chips, and the jacket from the hunting gear section had us caught in the menswear section for quite a while. Two items in particular were our works of genius. Jackie chose an L bracket from the hardware aisle that was displayed in a barely visible cardboard box on the top shelf, and Zack picked some temporary tattoos from the impulse buy section at the registers. Masterful.

Afterward, the others bought some two dollar DVDs from the Black Friday bin, but I waltzed out of the store having purchased exactly nothing. I will leave it to you to decide whether I technically broke my boycott or not. All I know is that I left Wal-Mart with a smile on my face, and that’s a first.

Start strategizing for the Christmas round, cousins.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

To those who are usually with us but aren't today, we miss you terribly. The first wave of pigging out is now over, except for Uncle Giz, who is on round three. My dad and Uncle Denny are sipping wine at the adults' table. Uncle Gary is drifting off to sleep. Nicole is cleaning up. Melis, Brian, Jen, Jonas, and Aaron are debating about fantasy football. None of them are convincing each other of their points because we all think we're right. Julia is making Uncle Jimmy help her put her princess shoes on. I'm either going to grab a nap or start up a trivia game as soon as I pass out the cousin CDs. It's basically business as usual. A wonderful day.

Hallelujah! The return of Slapsgiving!

Are you watching How I Met Your Mother? If not, you're only punishing yourself. If you are, you know what I mean when I say:

Slapsgiving.

Slap #4.

It. Is. On.

Decorating = out of hand?

No need for lamps. I now light my apartment entirely with Christmas lights. Except the bathroom. I do have some limits.

I wonder how they'd look in the bathroom...

There is really no reason this should please me, but it does.

Hey fellow It's Always Sunny watchers, I just found out a tidbit of info. I knew that Mac and Dee were married in real life, but I just found out that Charlie is married to the waitress in real life. And I know it's ridiculous, but this makes me so happy. Charlie deserves to be married to that waitress.

Just in case you were wondering...

Days I've been gloriously Wal-Mart free and not regretting it in the slightest:

26

Perhaps my delight in the failures of others should worry me. Perhaps.

"This is me showing fear. Or wait, maybe it's anger. Or love. Oh, I don't know! I do them all the same."

So, New Moon comes out this Friday, as various television ads and every magazine printed in English is reminding me. Part of me is hoping it's better than Twilight, because despite their appeal to starry-eyed teenage girls, I really did enjoy those books very much. But part of me hopes it's just as heinous as the first movie so that I can enjoy all the unintentional comedy. I'm particularly looking forward to watching Kristen Stewart desperately try to emote.

And as long as we're talking about my delight in the misfortunes of others, did you see the Pats-Colts game tonight? What could be better than watching Bill Belichick choke on his own hubris? Watching him cry just after choking on his own hubris. He denied me that pleasure, but I suppose we can't have it all.

Houston continues to be awesome.

Today, Amanda and I went to The Mad Potter to paint pottery. Liz and Kristen, I kinda felt like I was cheating on you.

Tonight, we went to Steel City Pizzeria, a Steelers-themed sports bar in Houston, to watch the Monday night game. The place was packed with Pittsburgh-lovin' Texans. As I've said before, Steeler fans, like Polamalu on the field, are everywhere. It was so much fun to watch the game with tons of people screaming like lunatics at every completed pass, yardage gain, and touchdown. This was just what I needed after sitting Kurt "40 points" Warner on my fantasy bench this week.

Meatland!

Last night, Amanda, Gena, and I went to Fogo de Chao, or as I like to call it, Meatland. (Kris, you may want to stop reading now.) It's a wondrous place where men roam around with skewers of filet mignon, ribeye steak, lamb chops, pork, etc. You are given a card, red side up. When you flip the card to green, the men with the skewers swarm on you like bees on that kid in the movie My Girl. (Spoiler!) They started piling meat on my plate. I couldn't have stopped them if I'd wanted to.

The rest is a blur. Two hours later we left and awaited the onset of meat sweats.

And I'm off!

Today I fly to Texas to visit Amanda. There will be laziness, there will be fun-having, and there will be a ludicrous amount of eating.

I think Sam Houston would have wanted it that way.

9-1-what the crap is going on here?

So, this past Saturday my friends and I went to Pittsburgh for a glorious day of Ikea, Dave and Buster's, and the most magnificent meal at Lidia's in the Strip District. Have you been? Go. Go now. Drop what you’re doing and go now.

Anyway, on our way there, we noticed the car in front of us was weaving dangerously all over the road and we decided to call 911. I won't go into the details, but I was bounced back and forth between several Indiana and Westmoreland County operators, each of whom were convinced I belonged with the other. Then, just to be more mischievous, the weaving driver turned back toward Cambria County, sending me on to another operator, who repeatedly asked me, "Which way is the car headed?" I repeated, again, "Toward Ebensburg." And then added, "By way of weaving all over the road."

After talking to seven different people, I was finally transferred to the State Police who asked me for some nearby landmarks. I asked my friends what was nearby and P offered, "We just passed Streekers." (Streekers is a strip club, and yes, I had to look up the correct spelling.) I covered the mouthpiece with my hand and hissed, "I am NOT saying that to a police officer. Find me another landmark!"

When the officer promised to send a trooper out, and we decided we had done all we could so we turned around, even though I really wanted to keep following and watch the guy get pulled over. I imagined all sorts of melodramatic DUI tests or maybe some meth in the glovebox.

Anyway, if you ever need emergency assistance, try not to need it near the county line.

Extraordinary

James sent me the link to this photo essay. It's remarkable, both as a work of photography and as a tribute to love and letting go.

And if you have an issue with your co-workers seeing you cry, maybe don't view it at work.

It's a miraculous miracle!

Okay, so do you remember how I went on and on about how awesome that new NBC show, Southland, was? Well, I did. I went on and on. Then what happened? NBC decided they didn't have room for gritty dramas anymore because they'd rather put the super cheap Jay Leno show on five nights a week in the 10PM slot. (Like, seriously, are you trying to destroy your network?)

Southland was a casualty of this madness. I wept, I wailed, I declared that Brandon Tartikoff would be rolling in his grave to see what has become of the network he built, the network that ruled the 80s. But! Now, I no longer have to look with bewilderment at the burned out shell that is NBC. I don't have to look at NBC at all. TNT has picked up Southland and will re-air the first season's seven episodes as well as the second season episodes that have been filmed. It's a miracle!

After all I've been through with Pushing Daisies and Arrested Development and Firefly and Veronica Mars and The State and Deadwood... Wow, I've been through a lot. But TNT has rescued me this time. January 12, people. Officer Cooper returns.