In the end, I suppose it's easier to aquire some hair dye than a brain.

Tonight was the glorious finale of Rock of Love 2. I will be sad to see it go, but in its absence I can already feel my IQ climbing. Bret took the two finalists, Daisy (she of the doggy-chew-toy face) and Ambre (she of the unfortunate skunk hair) to Cancun, Mexico. When they arrived at their hotel, a troupe of dancers in Mayan dress performed a traditional Mayan dance for them. Through the feathers, you could just see the dancers thinking, “I can’t believe I have to perform my cultural traditions for these skanks.” Bienvenida a Mexico, ladies.

Bret took Ambre on a date that was a much more awesome version of that room in the Baltimore aquarium that recreates the rainforest. Also, there were massages, which the Baltimore aquarium does not have, and I feel the facility is the poorer for it. A bunch of crap happened, but the upshot is that Ambre did her own impression of what I hear is a very famous scene from Basic Instinct, which I have never seen, not that I’m pretending to have any sort of taste here, because let’s face it, I watch Rock of Love. Anyway, I was mortified. As mortified as a Rock of Love viewer has the right to be.

For Daisy’s date, Bret took her on a yacht. They stood on the bow and put their arms out and enjoyed the breeze. It was like Titanic, but with more collagen and hair plugs. Bret declared that he wanted to find out what was in Daisy’s noggin (empty), her heart (also empty), and her soul. When I think of her soul I imagine a tar-like soup in which a few trapped gnats gasp for breath. But Bret had no time to discover this because Daisy started to feel really seasick. It was hilarious. Bret went to tell the captain they needed to head back to shore. Meanwhile Daisy was totally miserable and hurling off the side of the yacht. It was so fabulous!

The next day, as the girls waited for the final elimination, apparently the pressure was all too much for Daisy and she headed out to the balcony to have a breakdown. There was more crying and much more hairline touching. She gave us a bunch of rubbish about being in love, blah, blah, flippety fling blang blah. It’s such a blessing that this season is almost over because I am so weary of correcting Daisy’s grammar. So weary. The way she massacres subject-verb agreement just exhausts me.

There was a lot more drama, but in the end Bret chose Ambre, and Daisy was sent away in a flurry of tears and shame and running mascara. Ambre was delighted, which, sure, whatever. And here’s where I start to hope that this whole relationship goes in the crapper so I can enjoy a Rock of Love season 3.

But it’s not over yet! We still have the reunion show, and from the previews it appears that Daisy and Heather have to be pulled off each other because they’re fighting like Joan Collins and Linda Evans circa 1984. And Big John is just sitting back and enjoying it all. You go, Big J.